My low self-confidence, coupled with my partner saying I don’t turn him on, really bothers me. Should his lack of sexual desire be a deciding factor? He’s trying to work on it, but I’m not sure it will make a change.

—Self-esteem seeker

Dear self-esteem seeker,

I’m all for direct communication in a relationship, but there is a way to be direct kindly and a way of being direct cruelly. Apparently your partner chose the latter option. He knows you suffer from low self-esteem and don’t feel sexy or desirable, and yet he stabbed you in the heart and sliced ​​you open.

This does not mean that he should lie or pretending to have sex with you when he doesn’t enjoy it. But he should know enough to conduct these difficult conversations carefully. To say, “I think you’re so beautiful, but I’m having trouble sexually right now being intimate with you.” »

I would like to know if he ever found you sexually desirable. If he does, it’s possible to reignite desire, because sexual desire with a long-term partner is often about more than looks. So many things affect desire. Let’s just say he was stressed about the move. Maybe he didn’t feel supported by you in another area of ​​his life. Or he felt like you were asking too much of him lately; maybe you needed what he thought was “too” reassuring.

All of these things (and more) affect the desire to have sex with a long-term partner. You might be able to tell, but these are all “bigger” issues that would require you to really sit down, have in-depth discussions, and begin therapy.

He doesn’t seem to want to do the work necessary to have sex with you. In fact, he seems very resigned to having a sexless relationship with you.

Obviously, I’m very skeptical that he’s “trying to work on it.” How does he work on it? What actions does he take? Did he say it? Additionally, it will be very difficult to “work on it” when you are not physically in the same place.

I’m going to be honest with you (although I’m going to be nice too – see, it’s possible): you deserve a relationship in which your partner is sexually attracted to you. Not only do you deserve it, but you need It’s for your mental health. (To be honest, I think almost all of us need it. We all want to feel sexy, desired, and attracted to our romantic partners).

This man is not going to give it to you. If you continued dating, I think you would become more withdrawn and your mental health would suffer even more.

Now is the perfect time to end things with him, and you can end things – nicely! – simply saying that you want to be with someone who finds you sexually attractive. (I can’t help but wonder if he was hoping for this result. He didn’t have the courage to break up with you, so he expressed a breakup, hoping you would end things with him.)

This is also a great time to seek therapy to address your confidence and self-esteem issues. Like, get there ASAP. You don’t want this to be a problem that torments you for the rest of your life and prevents you from finding the love you deserve.