Soft parenting is increasingly popular – but is it really effective? Three I writers offer different perspectives: teacher Nadeine Asbaliparent Anna White House and child psychologist Dr Kirsty Pakes.

There are many misconceptions about “gentle parenting”. As a clinical psychologist specializing in parenting, I view it as non-harsh and non-punitive. This includes treating children with kindness and respect in language and tone and not using methods that cause shame and fear.

However, this does not mean ignoring or condoning unacceptable behavior. Children need clear boundaries, but “gentle” parents are calm, caring leaders who set firm, compassionate boundaries so that a the child learns what is appropriate while feeling emotionally supported. This allows the child to overcome difficult underlying feelings, which are often the cause of “acting out.”

But is gentle parenting really effective? To understand this, we need to examine what we mean by “work”. This is important because for some parents, “working” can mean getting a child to comply no matter what. In this sense, we can see how corporal punishment could “work”, in the sense that, through fear, humiliation and pain, the child does not repeat the unwanted behavior.

But, as a psychologist, my definition is more about responding to our children in times of behavioral and emotional struggle that really takes a toll on their well-being and mental health. It also means being able to parent in a way that is enjoyable and helps us be close and connected with our children.

With this definition of gentle parenting, then yes: in my personal and professional experience, gentle parenting absolutely works. Research also supports me.

Studies on parenting styles has repeatedly found that authoritative methods (including gentle parenting) have shown the best results for children – in terms of maturation, resilience, optimism, autonomy, social competence, self-esteem , as well as academic success.

Parenting styles

Authoritarian approaches are high on control and low on heat. Authoritarian parents set rules and enforce consequences without regard for their child’s opinion.

Permissive parents have little control and a lot of warmth. They rarely address children’s negative behaviors.

Authoritative parents like both warmth and structure/control. Gentle parents fall into this category.

Gentle parenting is also “connection-based,” meaning the relationship and bond between parent and child is brought to the forefront. In a review of 600 studies, Research Associates in Education and Training found that having a close, connected relationship with an adult who listens to the child’s feelings is the strongest indicator that a child will reach adulthood without experiencing pregnancy or adolescent violence, without become dependent on drugs or tobacco and without dropping out of school.

It goes without saying no parent is beyond reproach and capable of providing perfect parenting 24/7. This is why it is crucial that we understand that a key part of gentle parenting is helping parents understand themselves and their reactions.

To do this, parents are encouraged to reflect on themselves and their reactions. This can be done through the support of other parents or professionals such as a mentor or therapist. If our reactions to our children’s behavior are repeatedly disproportionate, it is likely that we are dealing with unfinished psychological business from our own past. It’s really normal and natural. Listening partnerships can be a great way to understand and manage these reactions.

So how can we best approach gentle parenting?

When a child is difficult and defiant, understand that there are reasons for it. It’s the same for us adults. When we behave in a way we regret—yelling at our children or insulting our partner, for example—we don’t choose that behavior in the moment. If we could have reacted in a better way, we would have done so. In these moments, our behavior is often driven by emotions. Sometimes these are emotions that we are not even aware of.

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For example, we may behave this way because we are stressed or have unmet needs and feel disconnected or alone. Our “emotional cup” is exhausted. When our emotional cup is full and fluid and we feel resourceful, our behavior (like that of our children) is much more likely to stay “on track.”

So, with our children, we understand that when their behavior “goes off the rails,” their emotional cup is empty. We can learn ways to deal with this that are kind, warm, connected and firm. We still set boundaries, but in a way that is not associated with negativity, judgment, and harshness.

The gentle, connection-based parenting approach developed by Parenting hand in hand in the United States has a wonderful practice called “Setting Boundaries” that teaches parents how to do just that. A three-step approach is taught called “Listen, Limit, Listen.”

First of all, we listen to the situation and try to understand what is happening to the child. For example, is their behavior appropriate? Are our expectations for their behavior appropriate? Are they “off track” and motivated by difficult feelings (any defiant and difficult behavior is like a child waving a red flag for help)?

We then set a limit to behavior. We impose the limit on the child rather than giving a command from across the room. If a child hits their sibling, we step into our calm, kind presence and stop the behavior, perhaps by placing ourselves as gently as possible between the children and physically stopping the hitting. We aim to connect with their limbic and emotional brain – so we try to be calm and kind and, where appropriate, light and playful while stopping this behavior.

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Once the behavior has stopped, we listen again, to the underlying feelings that usually flare up once the feelings can no longer be expressed through behavior. In this example, it could be jealousy showing up – a child could get angry after the beating stops and cry bitterly saying that everyone loves their sibling more than them. This is the practice of “listening” in which we approach and listen to a child’s upsets (whether anger or tears) offering empathy until until he reaches the end of his feelings.

This process allows a child to travel the full arc of their feelings and release them. He usually comes out calmer, kinder, and more cooperative at the end of this process. This process allows their limbic brain to restore its balance by listening and releasing emotions with kindness.

This approach contrasts with behavioral methods which highlight a negative consequence or punishment. This creates more emotional dysregulation in the child (which is likely causing the difficult behavior) and a disconnect between parent and child. This is not helpful because we know that the parent-child connection is the number one indicator of a child’s well-being.

So when we provide boundaries to difficult behavior with warmth and connection, it allows the child to access the underlying feelings that motivate the behavior. We can only feel and express our feelings when we feel safe and connected. The parent can then listen warmly to the child’s feelings so that they can be released and healed, making it less likely that the difficult behavior driven by the feelings will recur. Win-win!

Dr Kirsty Pakes is a clinical psychologist specializing in child and adolescent mental health.

Soft parenting is increasingly popular – but is it really effective? Teacher Nadeine Asbali says it makes the class hell but the parent Anna White House says it’s better than the old school methods of the 1980s.