As Gabriel Garcia Marquez once said: “one must be unfaithful, but never disloyal”. The phrase is a wonderful phrase, but in terms of defining the two terms, it is a bit flawed. Some studies have attempted to analyze the same distinction: in April, Diversual announced that its study on sexual habits in Spain revealed that 28.97% of those surveyed had been unfaithful at some point, meaning they had had sex with someone who wasn’t. t their usual partner. Gleeden, a dating site for couples, has made similar efforts to study Spanish attitudes toward so-called “micro-infidelities,” acts that do not involve physical sex with a third person. , but which are situated in an ethical context. gray area. For example, secretly staying in touch with a former partner, consuming pornography and sexting: 79% of those who have been involved in the latter say it provides them with some emotional connection.

The definition of loyalty varies from relationship to relationship. Fifty-five percent of the couples surveyed by Gleeden had never directly addressed them or discussed their monogamous boundaries. The platform’s survey differentiated three types of infidelity: physical, emotional and digital. “Emotional infidelity, in general terms, occurs when a person connects emotionally with someone who is not their partner, even if there is no physical or sexual contact. Some people consider having more trust and sharing more secrets with a person who is not their partner as infidelity,” Silvia Rúbies, Gleeden communications manager, told EL PAÍS.

American psychologist Shirley Glass has studied emotional infidelity throughout her career and says that people who share parts of themselves that they have never revealed to their partner, as well as those who seek support and comfort from another person, are actually unfaithful. “Emotional intimacy is the first warning sign of impending betrayal. Yet the majority of people don’t realize what they’ve gotten themselves into until physical intimacy occurs,” she writes in Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Regaining Your Sanity After Infidelity (2004). “The majority of people mistakenly think that infidelity is not really infidelity if there is no sexual contact. While women tend to view any emotional intimacy as infidelity, it is more common for men to deny infidelity until they have had sex. But in the new infidelity, affairs don’t have to be sexual. Some of the connections that are made solely on the Internet are primarily emotional. The most devastating relationships that take place outside of marriage involve the heart, mind, and body, and these are increasingly common relationships. Today, romantic relationships are becoming more and more common and serious than before, because more and more men are getting emotionally involved and more women are sexually involved,” she warns in her book.

According to Andrea Vicente, author of the book in Spanish Quien bien te quiere te hará feliz (He who loves you well will make you happy, 2024), an emotional affair takes place when one member of a couple establishes a deep connection with another person, sharing personal and intimate parts of their life. “There doesn’t have to be physical contact for a situation to become problematic. The effect it can have on a couple is equally troubling,” she says. Vicente believes that the term “emotional bonding” can be used to describe the moment when a bond with another person becomes something hidden or downplayed from one’s partner, and the moment when one begins to share things with the other that he would never reveal in his relationship. . “The other relationship becomes a parallel emotional refuge that, even if it doesn’t involve sex, creates a dynamic that excludes the formal partner,” she says.

In the age of social media and WhatsApp, it’s common for someone in a relationship to take out their phone, even during romantic dinners, a practice called phubbing (a fusion of “telephone” and “snubbing”). A study from the University of Münster found that being distracted during such shared moments with one’s partner can lead the individual who does not use the phone to feel “distrust and ostracism.” “Social media has created a gray area for relationships. These days it’s extremely easy to reconnect with old partners or people from your past, but it’s also easy to connect with new people, someone you meet in an informal environment or who adds you on social networks. These platforms provide direct access to constant private conversations, which can quickly move from the mundane to the emotional. All it takes is a message, a photo or a simple comment to open the door to a more intimate exchange. In many cases, it starts with a game or a harmless conversation, but without realizing it, an emotionally intense relationship can result,” says Vincente. “This type of connection begins to intrude into territory that should be exclusive to the partner and, in doing so, creates a connection that can begin to occupy a parallel emotional space. This is the famous “forbidden conversation”, in which we share secrets and emotions previously reserved for our partner. The ease with which such emotional relationships are established, whether with a person from the past or a new acquaintance, is one of the complexities of being in a partnership in the digital age”, she said.

The problem with these kinds of affairs is that they reveal pre-existing cracks in relationships and are sometimes even misperceived as an attempt to save a relationship that has long since foundered. “Her emails gave me hope, a reason to get through the day,” said writer Kelly McMasters. The Wall Street Journalclaiming she initially wrote to her high school boyfriend without knowing if he would respond. When he did, she did not tell him she was in a relationship and did not mention the renewed contact with her husband.

Although the on-again, off-again relationship was never physically consummated, McMasters eventually divorced. She didn’t break up her marriage to get back together with her ex, but their messages helped her get through a terrible time in her marriage and realize she was capable of being “stronger, more fun and brilliant” . “. “That’s what helped me end it,” she said.

One of the most frequently asked questions Vicente is asked is why so many people view emotional intimacy as a worse betrayal than sex itself. “It’s a vulnerable space that many people reserve for their partner. When this exclusivity is broken and someone else enters their space, they feel betrayed, they see this as having lost their space of trust and complicity, which impacts the very heart of the relationship,” says- She.

Rubíes says that for many women, emotional connection is the basis of a relationship. “That’s why when it happens with other people, even through messaging, it can be very serious. For men too, but to a lesser extent,” she explains.

You can even have an emotional affair with a robot. Some virtual lovers are able to provide support that their real-life partner cannot, becoming the person people turn to for comfort when their relationship is not at its best. So says one Reddit user, who shares that his chats with a female AI made him “a better man” because “she” showed him the importance of speaking, listening and being listen. It saved his marriage, he says.

Infidelity is as old as humanity. You can’t think or say anything new about it that hasn’t already been covered, as Maggie O’Farrell writes. But perhaps in a hyperconnected society in which WhatsApp and artificial intelligence can tempt each of us with deep and immediate conversations, we should reconsider the true meaning of infidelity.

Register for our weekly newsletter to get more English media coverage from EL PAÍS USA Edition