We have often heard that the loan money to a friend or family memberThis can make things really tricky, especially if you don’t get reimbursed.

Sometimes it’s not even something official or a direct request: maybe you paid for dinner when the other person ran out of money or forgot a credit card.

But then time passes and it’s the crickets’ turn to pay you back.

So what do you do when someone owes you money – and it gets very uncomfortable?

Welcome back to Uncomfortable Conversations About Money, a recurring series where we will meet the challenges topics Or situations around money it makes you worried. We will describe the issue and I’m trying to get you some usable solutions.

Money owed harms friendship

The dilemma: Ron Anderson helped a friend in need. But things became so uncomfortable between the two when the friend didn’t repay the money that they didn’t speak for nine years.

In 2015, Anderson was on vacation with his family when he received an urgent call from a college friend. The friend was at a resort with his wife and parents and reported losing his wallet. He couldn’t afford the resort.

“So he was a little embarrassed and he felt like he needed help,” Anderson, 56, said.

At the time, there were no peer-to-peer payment apps, so Anderson called his financial advisor to wire his friend some money. Anderson sent $800.

“I sent him this and he said, ‘Look, I’ll give it back to you. I’ll send it to you,'” Anderson recalled.

Over the next two weeks, efforts were reportedly made to return the money to Anderson, “but it never materialized or never happened for whatever reason,” he said. “There was always some sort of problem that came up.”

Anderson said he didn’t harass the friend or ask “Hey, where’s the money.” Although Anderson wanted the money back, he said once he realized he might not get it, he didn’t talk about it.

Still, Anderson said when he loaned the money, it was not a gift but was given in the hopes that he would get it back.

“I just felt, I guess, taken advantage of in a way,” Anderson said of his friend. “I think I used that term with my wife afterward: I felt like he had somehow redeemed himself from our relationship.”

The two men did not speak for nine years. A mutual acquaintance who was in contact with the friend told Anderson that the friend was embarrassed about owing him money.

Be upfront about money owed

Expert advice: My expert this month is Myka Meier, founder of Beaumont Etiquette in New York.

“It’s a very common situation where people feel very uncomfortable asking for money or even talking about money. There’s a taboo attached to it,” she said. Meier said.

It’s also true that many people have found themselves in a situation like Anderson’s. A study by Paypal this fall found that a third of people, or 33 percent, were hesitant to ask for the money they were owed to avoid feeling devalued, putting pressure on friends or family, or because that they did not want to coordinate the logistics of payments.

The study found that on average, people owe their friends or family $926.

People are afraid of being annoying or being pushy, but it doesn’t have to be that way, Meier said.

“It’s something that can be very easily addressed by using communication, being very open and frank and talking about it,” she said.

Repay the money as soon as possible

Good etiquette is to pay someone back as soon as you know you owe money, Meier said.

“So if you owe someone else, I hope we don’t get to the point where they have to ask you or remind you,” she said.

“But if you are the person who is owed money, you shouldn’t be afraid to ask that person or remind them,” Meier said. “It’s okay to kindly remind them. If you make something a big deal, it becomes a big deal.

“Sometimes people are busy and sometimes we forget or it gets out of hand,” Meier said.

But what do you do when it extends well beyond a few weeks – and perhaps turns into years, as in Anderson’s case?

“It’s a shame to let money get in the way of a friendship or a family,” Meier said. “But I think in this situation, written communication is better for me. Since it’s in writing, it’s a lot harder to forget.”

Email is more formal than a text message, Meier said. If it’s one person in a group of people who still owes you money and the other people have already paid, Meier said sending an email to everyone in BCC (copy invisible carbon) for a payment reminder “does not identify that person, which can feel awkward.”

If someone finds themselves in a situation where they need to be reimbursed and can’t wait any longer, saying “let me know when you think you can reimburse me” could be a good communication opportunity, Meier says.

Meier said it’s also OK to say no to lending money or paying a note in the first place.

“I think it’s totally okay to be upfront and not feel like you have to spend money,” she said.

About that money owed…

Postscript: Anderson and his college friend recently reconnected. Anderson, who remained Facebook friends with his former classmate, liked a comment and the friend called him out of the blue.

They talked for over two hours and again the next night.

“At some point during the first conversation, probably an hour or so, he made reference to money. I didn’t bring it up. He said, ‘Hey, look, I still intend to repay you.”

Anderson said he told her he wasn’t worried about it, but he also didn’t say he wasn’t interested in being reimbursed.

Uncomfortable conversations: Have you found yourself stuck splitting the restaurant bill unfairly?

Looking back, Anderson said he probably should have reached out sooner to say “Hey, look, don’t worry about what happened. Let’s reboot.”

“We wasted nine years. Regardless of the money, it’s not really worth it in hindsight,” he said. “But I guess there was, I will say, pride or ego or hurt feelings on my part that stopped me from doing that.”

Anderson’s advice to those who have loaned money to friends or relatives and not been immediately repaid: “You should really think of it as a gift, even if it’s marked as a loan. You have to think, listen, this might not go well.

And then, if the money is indeed never repaid, think about “how important is this really in your overall relationship holistically?”

We want to hear from you

Do you have an uncomfortable money conversation topic you’d like to suggest? Or would you be willing to be featured in a story about your uncomfortable conversation? Send an email to [email protected] with “Uncomfortable Conversations” in the subject line.

Here are some upcoming topics: Did you receive a Christmas gift and have nothing to give in return? What to do when your spouse or partner’s ex asks you for money?

Betty Lin-Fisher is a consumer reporter for USA TODAY. Contact her at [email protected] or follow her on X, Facebook or Instagram @blinfisher. Sign up for our free newsletter The Daily Money, which will include consumer news on Fridays, here.

This article was originally published on USA TODAY: What should I do when a friend or family member owes me money?