Your relationship with your parents can be complex, especially as an adult. With childhood resentment, unresolved trauma, and a tendency to adopt toxic traits and habits, it’s not easy to acknowledge your past, heal, and move forward.

In addition to shared trauma, there are several signs that you grew up with an authoritarian parent, and it’s affecting you now, even if you think you’ve moved on. Authoritarian parents tend to lack emotional intelligence and self-confidence, so they use controlling tactics to raise their children, hoping to give themselves some assurance and peace of mind.

Here are 10 signs that you grew up with an authoritarian parent and it’s affecting you now:

1. You are a perfectionist

boulevard made | Shutterstock.com

Perfectionism and parental control often cause anxiety in children because a study from the Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology explains, but their attention to detail and unrealistic expectations of their children also dissipate significantly on their attitude and self-image.

Often insecure and struggling to trust himself due to his parents’ controlling parenting style, otherwise known as “helicopter parenting” or being bossy, these now-adult children hold themselves to unrealistic standards and struggle to live carefree lives.

RELATED: 15 Signs You’re a Perfectionist (And It’s Ruining Your Life)

2. You have difficulty expressing your emotions

Motorization films | Shutterstock.com

According to a rehabilitation specialist Ashley Graff with the Anchor light therapy collectiveAuthoritarian parents tend to rely on a sense of control when raising their children. Instead of relying on emotional intelligence, they harbor a sense of rigidity, power, and coldness rather than compassion and empathy.

As these children reach adulthood, they have difficulty expressing and explaining their emotions, often because they have been taught to hide or ignore them to appease a controlling parent. It has become an inherent defense mechanism of these adult children, which tends to connecting with deep unresolved trauma and negatively affect the communication and health of their relationships.

3. You like people

Helena Cervera Andreu | Shutterstock.com

If you have trouble “pleasing people,” often to the detriment of your well-beingThis is one of the signs that you grew up with an authoritarian parent, and it’s affecting you now. Whether it’s leading conversations, being the “therapy friend,” or succumbing to emotional abuse, you sacrifice your mental health to ensure others are comfortable, happy, and most importantly, docile.

As a 2023 “Overparenting and mental health” study argues that these adult children are simply experiencing “environmental mastery.” As children, they learned to keep their controlling parents happy, even if it involved deception, sacrifice, and unfair compromise, and this knowledge has now carried over into how they navigate the chaos of adulthood.

4. You suffer from anxiety

DimaBerlin | Shutterstock.com

Research from the Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology argues that there is a link between the presence of a controlling parent in a child’s home atmosphere and their tendency to develop anxiety disorders later in life.

Especially considering that the consequences of a “mistake” in these children’s lives have often resulted in an unpredictable and highly emotional response from their controlling parents, they are much more likely to repress themselves and worry until adulthood.

It’s not just their parents’ fear of emotional outbursts that these adult children struggle with; it’s an overcommitment to reading everyone’s emotions, making sure everyone is happy, and overcompensating to protect the peace that drives their anxieties.

RELATED: 5 small ways to stop being a people pleaser

5. You have low self-esteem

Bagus production | Shutterstock.com

When nothing you do is ever good enough as a child in the eyes of your overbearing parents, with unrealistic expectations and troubling standards, it’s not just frustration that follows you all the way to adulthood; it’s also insecurity.

A study from the Journal of Family Theory and Review even argues that adults whose parents are authoritarian tend to adopting insecure attachment styles with new relationships – triggered by the transactional, anxiety-inducing connection of their childhood.

With such unrealistic parameters of success and happiness ingrained in your mind, you struggle to accept compliments from others, find peace with your physical and emotional being, and navigate your life without nagging insecurities.

6. You are hyper-independent

Images of people Yuri A | Shutterstock.com

A American Psychological Association addiction study argues that people who exhibit hyper-independent tendencies often shared traumatic childhood experiences with unmet dependency needs. Their parents either failed to provide adequate emotional support, controlled less important aspects of their lives, or prided themselves on a transactional bond.

Each of these specific interactions with an authoritarian parent reinforced your desire to control your own life and have autonomy outside the home. Like an aversion to the toxic tendencies of an authoritarian parent, these adult children now find comfort in being alone, in control of their own decisions, and in being totally dependent on themselves, even to the point of error.

7. You self-sabotage healthy relationships

Simona Pillolla 2 | Shutterstock.com

Nearly 64% of people say they have encountered “self-sabotaging” behaviors at least once in their lives, according to a 2008 psychiatric study. However, those with authoritarian and controlling parents are more likely to regularly indulge in this behavior harm their lives, their relationships and their development.

Although self-sabotage can take a different form depending on the scenario, relationship therapist Nancy Carbone argues that it almost always revolves around a lack of trust in oneself and others. Adult children don’t trust their partners to fully support them, the way they felt as children, so they shut down, sabotage their relationships, or create distance to avoid being hurt.

8. You struggle with confidence

Olena Yakobchuk | Shutterstock.com

It’s not just platonic and romantic relationships in which these adult children struggle to prioritize trust; they also have difficulty trusting each other. Whether it’s navigating their daily lives, making big life decisions, or prioritizing their interests, their childhoods – filled with guilt, broken trust and emotional abandonment – ​​undermine their self-confidence -themselves.

Whether you are aware of your parental trauma or not, personal development coach Pamela Aloia argues that there are ways to rebuild self-confidence as an adult, but it starts with self-awareness. Before you can learn to face your fears, experience discomfort, and rebuild your self-confidence, you need to learn the emotional intelligence that you were never taught as a child.

9. You are afraid of confrontation

Bits and Splits | Shutterstock.com

Whether it’s a friendship problem, a relationship argument, or a confrontation with a stranger at the grocery store, adult children with authoritarian parents fight against conflict– partly because of their insecurity and partly because of the way they were scolded as children.

This fear of confrontation refers to the tendency of adult children with these parents to have insecure attachments: any sign of conflict arouses anxiety that there will be an explosion or that the stability of their relationship will be compromised.

10. You struggle to set healthy boundaries

Odua Pictures | Shutterstock.com

With parents who constantly overstepped their space and felt largely free with their thoughts, energy, and emotions, these adult children must now find their own way when it comes to learning appropriate boundaries and healthy relationships .

They may struggle with relationships, or even lose them, because they were taught that dependent, all-encompassing relationships were the only way to grow. Everything from healthy communication skills to the need for space and alone time were foreign to them as adults, and these aren’t necessarily easy concepts to learn overnight.

RELATED: If You Want More Self-Confidence, It’s Time to Accept These 3 Essential Truths

Zayda Slabbekoorn is a news and entertainment editor at YourTango focusing on health and wellness, social policy and human interest stories.