I have been on both sides of difficult parent-teacher conferences – as a teacher and as a parent. Despite much research that supports the value of a strong school-home connection, training on caregiver engagement and relationships is sorely lacking in teacher preparation programs. Schools also rarely provide training on family engagement to teachers, so teachers often have to learn through trial and error.

In my case this means a lot of errors. After my first round of parent-teacher conferences, for example, a colleague pulled me aside and said, “It seems like all you do is put out fires.” » I was 22 years old and had only been teaching for two months. In reality, I was just putting out fires! His comments helped me see that my message was really wrong. Instead of reporting to families on their child’s academic, social, and emotional progress, I made them feel like their child was as problematic as I was unqualified. I was fortunate that my first school had parent-teacher group conferences so that a caring colleague could let me know that I needed to change my message.

I now know that a calm, focused, problem-solving message conveys the strengths and needs of families in a supportive and professional manner. Over the past 12 years, I’ve collected some tips for managing the stress of parent-teacher conferences.

I do this with a simple Google formbut any survey would work well. My survey is short: checkboxes with topics parents would like to focus on and a few optional short answers to explain further. Adding this survey alone has been the most effective tool for improving my lectures, firstly because time is limited, both in terms of time available to prepare for lectures and actual time spent on conferences. When we give parents the opportunity to share what they would like to cover, we ensure that we can meet their needs and expectations with meaningful data and examples. Not only does this reduce preparation time and improve my preparation, but it also speeds up my lectures, allowing me to get to the point.

Second, seeking parental input before the meeting greatly reduces the chance of being caught off guard when we sit down. Too often I have gone into meetings smiling and found frowns across the table. By giving parents the opportunity to share their frustrations in advance, I can ensure that I am prepared to discuss difficult topics or alleviate frustrations they may be feeling. I can also call on any reinforcement I need, whether it’s the support of an administrator or a few anecdotes from an elective professor.

Don’t raise an issue unless you have a plan to resolve it. This is not to say that we, as teachers, should have all the answers, nor that we should not inform caregivers if something goes wrong. By offering things you’ve already tried, as well as what you plan to try next, you let the family know that their child is not the problem. It communicates hope and faith in their child’s abilities and inherent goodness. Parents have many desires, but deep down, all they really want is for their child to be seen, valued, and truly loved. It’s a caregiver’s worst nightmare to attend a conference and receive a list of everything that’s wrong.

We will inevitably have to deliver difficult news, but when we deliver it with kindness and gentleness, with the clear belief that the situation can and will improve, we show families that their child is safe among our hands.

Caregivers can become defensive, as can teachers. The internet loves to remind us how hard it is to be a teacher. Social media and politics pit parents and educators against each other, and in a world of book bans and gags, it’s easy to feel cornered. And for passionate teachers who put their heart and soul into what they do, we can’t help but feel defensive when questioned. I find, however, that defensiveness is the quickest way to derail a conference. When I find myself playing defense, I pause and take a deep breath. I imagine the student in my head so I can refocus and refocus the conversation.

Defensiveness and blindness often go hand in hand. As teachers, we often feel like we have to have all the answers. I’ve learned over the years that it’s okay to approach a conversation that I’m not ready to have or that isn’t moving forward in a productive way. I used to worry that it would make me look weak or unprofessional, but I’ve learned over the years that it’s sometimes a crucial step in preserving my relationship with a family, which is essential for my ability to progress with their child. Coming back to the table with a fresh mind and more data (and sometimes more support) doesn’t make us weak, it makes us collaborative, thoughtful, student-centered educators.

Ultimately, parent-teacher conferences are stressful no matter what side of the table you’re on, but they’re worth it when done well. Effective conferences strengthen the connection between school and home by building trust between caregivers and teachers, which deepens our relationship with our students and makes it easier for us to make positive academic, social, and emotional changes. It’s an opportunity to share our love for our profession and for our students, and I think that usually happens more easily when we remember that.

We can’t plan for every challenge that might arise, but when we take small steps like these before and during conferences, we can turn them into powerful and beautiful opportunities that reflect the complexities of school life while by deepening our ties with caregivers.