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When you hear the words “trauma bonding,” you may imagine two friends growing closer after experiencing breakups at the same time, or a couple falling in love after connecting through similar experiences as children of divorce. And that makes sense, given how the phrase is used on the Internet, but the definition you have in mind isn’t necessarily the right one.

For example, after being rejected Dancing with the starssome professional dancers have made a TikTok of themselves sitting in a circle “a traumatic link linked to (their) recent eliminations”. Meanwhile, ex-The Bachelor the competitors made a video joking that they were “unsubscribing from this drama,” with the caption: “We are bonded by trauma for life.” But, although these TV personalities may bond over shared trauma, this definition of trauma bonding is the familiar, romanticized version, says Rachel ProujanskyPsyD, a psychologist based in New York.

Two people can bond related to a difficult experience, like being in the military or rushing into a fraternity/sorority, which subsequently creates a sense of loyalty, Proujansky says. But in reality, trauma bonding “is the emotional attachment that develops between a person and an abuser,” she says. In this dynamic, two things must be present: a power differential and an intermittent schedule of reinforcement, where sometimes the abuser is “kind, wonderful and caring”, and other times he is “scary, violent or abusive”, which makes the task difficult. (and unpredictable) for the victim to know which side is the truth.

The process will not be linear, just as the trauma bond is not black and white, adds Janie LacyPsyD, trauma psychotherapist and relationship expert. “A lot of people think that if there is love, it can’t be a trauma bond, but the reality is that love and trauma can coexist.”

Trauma bonds can form between anyone, including family, friends or co-workers, but tend to be more prevalent among romantic partners because there tends to be an extra layer of emotional attachment, explains Jessica LamarPsyD, co-founder of the Washington-based Bellevue Trauma Recovery Center.

No matter who you’re related to, that relationship tends to have a negative impact on your mental health. For example, if there is emotional manipulation such as gas lighting or a transfer of responsibility that causes someone to question their reality, it can lead to feelings of anxiety, fear, isolation, depression or post-traumatic stress, Lamar says. It is therefore important to be able to recognize a trauma bond and understand when it is time to release.

Here’s how a trauma bond forms and why it sticks.

Trauma bonds form as a result of a cycle – or schedule of intermittent reinforcement – ​​usually beginning and ending with the honeymoon phasesaid Prujansky. Typically, things are going well when a relationship begins – otherwise, it probably wouldn’t have started in the first place. However, this can slowly lead to a tense phase in which the abuser may begin to criticize the victim, isolate them from friends or family, or cause them to question themselves.

Then, formal violence can manifest emotionally, physically or sexually. But to strengthen the attachment — the final stage — the abuser returns to the honeymoon stage, which “makes the situation even more confusing for the victim,” Proujansky says.

During this period of reconciliation, the abuser may explicitly apologize and gain empathy, or blame the victim, leading them to think it is their fault. For example, they might say, “If you hadn’t said that, I never would have reacted that way,” says Proujansky.

The cycle results in the trauma bond remaining because people tend to cling to the person the abuser was at the beginning of the relationship or remember the good times in between, Lamar says. “They have all this other evidence to show themselves that their partner isn’t always like that,” Lamar says.

Although trauma bonding in a non-romantic relationship may look a little different, it consistently follows an unpredictable pattern. For example, this can show up at work if there is a clear and unequal power dynamic between a boss and an employee (real world example: The devil wears Prada!). If your boss tends to have sporadic behavior towards you (sometimes you think you’re on good terms, but other times your character is attacked) and makes high demands of you at all hours of the day, this can create an unhealthy trauma. -a bonding relationship, says Proujansky.

From the outside, it can be difficult to understand why someone doesn’t want to leave. However, every circumstance is unique and it is difficult to escape for various reasons. In romantic relationships, domestic violence or situational threats can play a role. In workplace trauma bonds, fear of being blacklisted by a powerful superior or being dependent on an income can keep someone trapped. The situations may differ, but both involve many internal struggles that can be difficult to understand unless you are fully there.

There are a few signs that you might have a trauma bond with someone.

Signs of trauma bonding are often subtle and deep-rooted, Lacy says. Although trauma bonding may be different between romantic partners and other relationships, general themes and signs will emerge.

Anxiety about the abuser’s approval or emotional state is a common sign in any trauma-related relationship, Lacy says. For example, you may feel like you’re walking on eggshells in every meeting or decide how you approach them about normal work tasks based on their mood that day.

Lacy adds that the victim tends to try to gain approval or validation from their abuser in a way that becomes tedious. “They constantly repeat what they could have said or done differently,” she says.

For example, in a work relationship, someone may be so concerned about their boss’s approval that they begin to neglect their personal boundaries to please their boss. Whereas in a romantic relationship, someone may seek validation by constantly putting their partner’s needs first, believing that their partner will love them more if they continually sacrifice for them. In both scenarios, this need for affirmation becomes overwhelming, which could hinder their productivity and daily functioning – and could contribute to the slow loss of their self-esteem.

Trauma-related relationships also tend to lead to isolation. In a romantic relationship, this might look like a partner explicitly telling you not to be friends with certain people, or a more subtle isolation rooted in trauma-related relationship shame. “Even if someone doesn’t tell us not to date certain people, we may feel like others wouldn’t understand us or would reject us if they knew what’s really going on,” says Proujansky. However, in a workplace, you may find yourself working overtime to get their validation and approval, Lacy adds.

Victims often defend the other person’s behavior even when the signs are present. Proujansky says victims may adopt the abuser’s perspective as a coping mechanism, thinking that if they give them what they want, they can get in return the safety and care they once knew. “But unfortunately it gives a false sense of control, because the victim is not the source of the problem,” she says.

Here’s how to break free from the cycle, according to therapists.

Not all trauma bonds need to be permanent. “This would require some real introspection and an admission of the power dynamic and the person’s role in it, which can be quite difficult for the abuser to bear,” says Proujansky. “But it’s not impossible.”

In trying to make a traumatized bond healthier, Proujansky emphasizes the importance of “learning different ways of managing emotions and communicating with each other so that each person manages their own feelings healthily, supports each other effectively but also is able to to manage conflicts and disputes.” disagreement in a way that is not harmful. Seeking help from a third-party expert or therapist can help you identify and understand where abusive or unhealthy relationship dynamics might be rooted, which can mark the start of a healthier path forward, adds -She.

But if the abuser doesn’t recognize their role or the situation isn’t safe, it’s a sign that you need to protect your mental health and free yourself from the trauma bond. A good first step here is to find and open up to your safe support system, which can be a close friend or confidant, a trained professional, or even an anonymous hotline, says Lamar.

“Your brain acts to protect itself when you’re in trauma bonding, so it’s important to get objective feedback,” says Lamar. “But even if we realize the relationship is unhealthy, it will still be sad or difficult to leave.”

Traumatized family bonds can be particularly difficult to break, especially in parent-child relationships, says Proujansky. “Society tends to place a lot of emphasis on families staying together, whether or not that’s what’s healthiest for everyone involved,” she explains. Beyond societal pressure, power imbalances can make these relationships difficult to break. For example, you may rely on financial support, child care, or other resources that you may lose if you end the relationship.

Proujansky adds that if you are a victim of any form of domestic violence, trying to leave can be extremely dangerous. She suggests seeking out resources such as domestic violence shelters and having a safety plan in place.

Even with a plan, breaking free can take time, and it’s important to practice self-care and self-compassion throughout the journey, Lacy adds. Whether it’s taking small steps like drinking more water or having a spa day, or making deeper strides like forgiving yourself for past mistakes, learning to be compassionate with yourself is the key. “Healing takes time, so be patient with yourself,” she says.

Meet the experts: Rachel PrujanskiPsyD, is a psychologist based in New York. Janie LacyPsyD, is a trauma psychotherapist, relationship expert and CEO of Life Counseling Solutions. Jessica LamarPsyD, is the co-founder of the Bellevue Trauma Recovery Center based in Washington.

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