Slate Plus Members Get More Care and feeding every week. Do you have a question about children, parenting or family life? Submit it here!

Dear care and feeding,

My sister-in-law has a serious eating disorder, which manifests itself in very restrictive eating. She doesn’t recognize it’s an eating disorder and claims to have “food sensitivities.” At first she only ate gluten, but now she avoids dairy, nuts, random meats, certain fruits and vegetables. She underwent allergy testing, but doctors found nothing. Generally, none of this bothers me, except that I wonder what my obligations are during the holidays.

We are hosting 13 members of my family, on my side and that of my husband. My husband’s family likes to go out to dinner, but my brother says they can’t go out because my sister-in-law is so sensitive to food that she might get sick. If we cook at home, most people won’t be happy with the bland meals that my SIL feels comfortable eating, like unseasoned chicken cooked without oil or butter, salt or pepper. What is my responsibility to accommodate his unusual diet?

—Confused hostess

Dear Confused,

How long do your brother and SIL plan to visit you? They can’t reasonably expect you to accommodate her at every meal for several days, especially since it appears she doesn’t even feel comfortable around the foods she’s avoiding . Ask your brother how meal times are managed in his house; does he just eat like her? Do they never go out to eat? If they’re staying with you, you can offer to have the kinds of things she eats on hand, but you can’t avoid cooking other foods for the rest of your family, and you shouldn’t nor give up eating out during the entire vacation because of her. . Let your brother know that you want to be as helpful as possible, but that you can’t deny the rest of your family the ability to eat normally in order to accommodate him. Maybe she and her husband can eat their meals at a different time than everyone else, and they can otherwise entertain themselves while you eat. Your SIL household may simply have to miss this trip. After the vacation is over, you should tell your brother that you are worried about his wife and that you think her eating problems are an eating disorder; he may have bought into the idea that she simply has “sensitivities” and may not recognize that she needs support.

—Jamilah

More advice from Slate

From a young age, we made it clear to our 11-year-old daughter that we were budgeting and that while we live a good life, it’s not luxurious. She always accepted that. The thing is, we actually make quite a bit of money. A large portion of our budget goes toward funding a private school, mental health care/services, and legal fees for his 14-year-old brother who has suffered from serious behavioral issues for years. Our daughter knows these things cost money, but how much has recently reached a crisis point. Tuition will increase significantly next year, which is why I reluctantly accepted a promotion at work. Her friend’s father received the same promotion in our company. He celebrated by taking the family on a ski trip, while we celebrated with pizza and a movie. She asked for a pair of boots that the other girls in her class have, and when I explained to her that it wasn’t in the budget, she pointed out that her friend’s father has the same job and that he was able to pay for the boots and the ski trip. . I don’t want to lie to him, but I’m afraid of having an honest conversation about it will create even more friction between her and her brother.