When “Gilmore Girls” debuted on The WB in 2000, teenage girls everywhere adored Rory’s quiet, confident teenage character. Played by Alexis Bledel, she had the kind of life that teenagers dream of: a mother who treated her like an adult, Ivy League level intelligence, cute little friendsand a hometown that seemed to smell of pumpkin spice all year round.

Today, these teenagers have grown up. Many of them started their own familyand as they rewatch – and rewatch again – the series, they no longer see themselves in Rory, but in his jokey, caffeine-obsessed mom, Lorelai, played by Lauren Graham. “It’s hard not to admire him,” says Shannon Healey, a single mother from Pennsylvania.

It’s not just the character’s wealth of witty one-liners that has earned her a fan base of moms: Lorelai has the kind of relationship with her daughter that many women dream of. As she herself says in one episode, “We’re best friends first, mother and daughter second.” She’s the “cool mom” that millennials wanted to have as teenagers – and now want to become themselves.

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Kiva Schuler is a parenting coach and CEO and co-founder of the Jai Institute For Parenting.

Sure, their relationship dynamic is a bit extreme (it’s a teen drama, after all). But many real-life moms see the close bond between the characters and try to recreate it at home. Healey, for example, says she intentionally followed in Lorelai’s footsteps when it came to her open, shared communication style. “I never wanted my daughter to feel like she had to hide things from me,” she says. “I wanted there to be open lines of communication. We can have a conversation, hopefully without judgment.”

For other moms, it’s Lorelai’s respect for her daughter that they love. “Lorelai saw Rory as a person and tried to be there for her instead of pushing her to be someone she’s not – she wanted her to be unashamedly herself,” says one mom South, who simply asked to go through Yellow. . She says it’s about how Lorelai deliberately raises Rory differently than she experienced growing up under controlling parents.

“I think a lot of parents in our generation don’t want to be what their parents were,” says parenting coach Kiva Schuler. She points out that even though Lorelai’s mother and father were extremely strict and sometimes downright manipulative, Lorelai’s parents were in a place of warmth and connection — something that may appeal to the kind of mom who diligently follows TikTok advice on gentle parenting.

At the same time, there is also something to be said about Lorelai’s life beyond her identity as a mother. She has a successful career, close friendships and sexy romantic relationships. In many ways, Lorelai’s approach stands in stark contrast to the modern parenting style that has become so intense and all-consuming for America’s Surgeon General recently. issued a warning about this. What if, instead of being considered a job, being a parent was more rooted in friendship? Clearly, the role of “best friend” is much less demanding than that of “anxious parent completely overwhelmed by the stress of trying to raise the perfect child.”

“When we look at a lot of what’s happening right now and the very significant mental health issues, a conversation that I think we all really need to look at is: overparenting“, says Schuler. “It doesn’t have to look like that.”

On the other hand, Schuler points out that Rory is portrayed as an independent child who apparently doesn’t need much parenting, which allows Loreilai to get away with a bit. But she still says that Lorelai’s work is valuable. more hands-off approach. In his own life, as single mom and business owner, Schuler says both of his children ended up taking on a lot of responsibilities from a young age. “I felt some guilt about it for a while,” she admits. “But now that I look at who they are, I don’t know if that was a bad thing.”

To be clear, there is multiple Reddit threads questioning Lorelai’s choices and questioning whether or not she’s a good parent. Many criticize his emotional immaturity, selfishness, and lack of boundaries with Rory. “We all have a goal that our children will become our best friends at some point,” Schuler says. “But in an ideal world, this shouldn’t happen until the kids are completely cooked, right?”

Yet some modern moms say Lorelai’s flaws have only made her more influential over their own choices. For example, Yellow says she learned from how Lorelai often drags Rory into her own drama when it comes to things like her love life and finances. “Sometimes I notice I’m unloading too much and I back off,” she says. “To be honest, as funny as it sounds, if I hadn’t seen ‘Gilmore Girls’ and didn’t like that part of Lorelai’s parenting, I probably would have done it more!”

Healey, meanwhile, says that observing Lorelai’s struggles with setting boundaries validated similar challenges she herself faced. “She often crosses boundaries and blurs that mother-friend relationship, which is difficult for a single mother,” she says. “I know I’m really struggling. You don’t have a partner to support you, so being the bad guy can be really hard.”

Schuler says that if Lorelai’s character came to her for advice in real life, she would tell Lorelei to really examine and question her deep desire to be a friend rather than a mother. “She would have to really understand the fear, the grief or the loss that prevents her from playing this role of parent,” she says. “It’s a choice that has so much history and so many unmet needs underneath.”

Still, Schuler says that doesn’t mean Lorelai is a bad parent or a bad role model. She thinks there’s a way for today’s moms who love “Gilmore Girl” to emulate the best of Lorelai while avoiding her mistakes. “We can be two things at once,” she says. “We can be warm. We can be compassionate. We can be curious about our children’s worldview and experience and not assume we know more about their lives than they do. And also, we can be their teacher, their guide, their mentor” (And maybe think twice before giving it to them. so much coffee.)

Jennifer Heimlich is a writer and editor with over 15 years of experience in fitness and wellness journalism. She previously worked as fitness editor for Well+Good and editor-in-chief of Dance Magazine. A UESCA certified running coach, she has written about running and fitness for publications including Shape, GQ, Runner’s World, and The Atlantic.