Look, relationships are hard – and none of us are perfect. We’ve all been guilty of being unkind to our partner at one time or another, that’s just life. But sometimes casual digs or offhand comments are more than just a bad time — and are signs that you’re a toxic partner.

Beyond physical abuse, certain relationship red flags may be dismissed as common ways of coping. This is a mistake. Renowned relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman identified four additional categories of toxic behavior in relationships: incessant criticism, regular defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. These behaviors are so destructive to relationships that Gottman calls them “the four horsemen of the Apocalypse.”

Here are 6 signs that someone has a toxic personality to begin with, according to psychology:

1. They never accept blame

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If someone continually finds themselves in trouble with different partners, the hard truth is that Perhaps the problem is the common denominator: them.

“If you’re tempted to blame all your relationship problems on your partner, you risk neglecting your role in the problem,” says marriage and family counselor Jessica Wade, who explains that accepting responsibility is essential. . Gottman Institute Research states how damaging it is to play the blame game in your relationship.

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2. They say things they don’t mean

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Words spoken in anger cannot Really be taken back. Marriage and family counselor Lisa Bahar explains statements such as “You’re crazy” or “What’s wrong with you?” » lead to disabling environments. In these cases, the root of the problem is often a hasty reaction.

“Check the facts you’re reacting to rather than assuming you know what’s going on,” says Bahar, adding that it’s helpful to learn “healthy assertiveness skills” instead of resorting to passive aggressiveness. . University of Georgia Research tells us that arguing can be useful for a relationship, but only if it is constructive and not negative.

3. It’s “their way or the highway”

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Another common behavior that can harm a relationship is refusing to accept one’s partner’s influence. More than just stubbornness, Wade explains that it can be detrimental if their partner doesn’t think their opinions are valued.

Fortunately, she says this can be overcome by committing to really listen to your partner. Active listening can improve relationships, confirms 2014 research.

RELATED: 20 Signs You’re an Extremely Toxic Person and Difficult to Be Around

4. They are unhealthy dependent on their partner

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Contributing to the toxicity of a relationship is not just how they treat their partner, but also how they treat themselves. Wade explains that if someone relies on the relationship to feel good, “that’s a sign that something underlying needs to be addressed.” »

This can come to a head, she says, with threats of self-harm. “If anyone has ever said or even thought, ‘If he leaves me, I’ll kill myself,’ or something similar, it’s time to take a break from the relationship and get help now. ” Being codependent on his partner for happiness will not end well for him and may cause your partner to resent him, Research from 2022 confirms this.

5. They deliberately punish their partner

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As harmless as it may seem, Wade warns that give the silent treatment or withholding intimacy for small transgressions are signs of manipulation. Sure, they may feel like they’re just trying to convey a message, but there’s a better way to express their frustrations. Research from the Cleveland Clinic shows This silent processing can be harmful because it affects the same areas of the brain that process physical pain.

Take for example the milk that his partner doesn’t seem to remember from the store: rather than pouting, Wade suggests calmly explaining to his partner that he is delaying dinner and that he will ask him to return to the store . She notes: “Scolding, yelling, and punishment rarely work with children, so avoid them in a relationship as well.” »

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6. They “playfully” slap their partners

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In a 2010 study, The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has defined physical violence as “slapping, pushing, or shoving.” By these metrics, more than five million men reported being victimized by their partner in the past year.

With such a fine line between the kind of slaps that don’t leave a mark and something much more dangerous, this is simply unacceptable. Additionally, Baher explains that “harmless slapping” is symptomatic of an inability to adequately express one’s feelings — which means it’s probably best to remove yourself from the relationship and seek help from a professional counselor.

When faced with these behaviors, the key is to first accept that there is a problem. This will give the relationship a better chance of success – and them a better set of coping skills in the future.

“What I’ve found is that most people don’t always realize that their behavior is harmful,” she says. “Once they understand the impact it has on the relationship, they are able and usually willing to make a change.”

If you think you may be suffering from depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse, you are not alone. Domestic violence can happen to anyone and is no reflection on who you are or anything wrong you have done. If you feel you may be in danger, assistance is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you are unable to talk safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.

RELATED: 10 Signs That Someone Is The Problem In A Relationship, Even If They Claim Not To Be

Emily Glover writes about body positivity, motherhood, and marriage in Colorado. Her words can be found on Babble, Ravishly, Bustle, Romper and more.