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Dear care and feeding,

For those of you with older children, how are you helping them process the news of the election? My daughter, wiser than her years, is shocked by the results and worried about her future. I tried to reassure her, but I have the same fears.

—What can I say?

Dear What to say,

In the run-up to the election, I kept saying, “I can’t believe we’re still doing this to our kids. » I don’t know how old your daughter is, but my oldest is 16 now; she was 8 years old the first time Donald Trump was elected. Which means that for as long as she and her peers can remember, her lies, threats, and unhinged rants have dominated many of our national conversations. I think it’s important to recognize that for many young people, his re-election feels not only like the worst kind of déjà vu, but also like a worry and even a personal threat – because it is. Many are immigrants or children of immigrants. They are the strangest and most racially and ethnically diverse generation. They are old enough to remember the chaos and intolerance of his first term. Too many loved ones have been lost to the pandemic. They grew up knowing they could be shot in their classrooms; that their lives, already affected by the climate crisis, will one day be radically different if we do not act now. And last week, we gave them one more reason to doubt that adults will protect their future, take care of them, and do the right thing.

Of course we never to want our children are upset, scared or heartbroken for any reason.
But young people who feel this way today aren’t wrong, so I don’t think “making kids feel better” should necessarily be the goal. I myself am full of rage and anxiety and something I can recognize as being very close to grief, and I don’t want anyone to try to talk me out of these feelings. It’s not my job as a parent to tell my children how they feel. It’s my job to let them know that I hear what they’re feeling, that those feelings are understandable, and that they’re not alone.
When my teenager and I talked about the election last week, the first thing I said was, “I’m not going to tell you any of this is good, because it’s not good.” I know you are worried, angry and disappointed. I feel all these things too. I reminded her that she has many people who love and care about her, who will keep her safe, and that we must be willing to try to help others and keep them safe.

No matter who is president, it can be distressing to watch your children become aware of the world as it is. But it wouldn’t be fair to pretend that bad things don’t happen, that worse things can’t happen, or that this country and the world aren’t what they are. We must raise them to understand the truth, to live and to help others to live in This world. To keep and nourish their hope, remind them of their free will, without denying reality.

So, in what ways can we achieve this? In your letter you say that your daughter is wise beyond her years. Whether it’s because of her, the way you raised her, or both, it may also mean that she is caring, has good instincts and the ability to make wise decisions for herself. If so, these are all important strengths to recognize. One of the many things I admire about my 16-year-old daughter (and have told her many times) is her excellent judgment: she knows what she believes and what matters to her, and she has chosen friends she can truly trust and who share her. its values ​​and its commitment to justice. The day after the election, I was able to remind her that she is surrounded by good people who really want to improve things, and that’s because she selected being surrounded by such people. As she grows up, she will meet more and more people like that. She has the power, today and tomorrow, to decide what is important to her, what she believes is right, and who she wants to work with and be in community with. No one can take that away from him.

After the election, a friend of mine reminded me to think about our ancestors, who faced hardships far worse than any we have personally experienced. We exist because they did; we are here because they survived. When I shared this with my daughter last week, I wasn’t trying to imply that “people have had worse, so don’t hesitate,” but rather I was asking her to remember that she is a part of a powerful legacy: a legacy of love. and hope, struggle and survival. If I can find some hope there, some days, maybe she will too. I also think that, regardless of age, it is also helpful to get involved in something that allows us to work for something good with others on a local level – trying to reduce some harm or suffering, by taking small steps towards the society and world we live in. what we want – in our neighborhoods, our schools and our communities. Participating in helping or volunteering helps me feel more connected and less helpless, and it has been extremely important for my 16-year-old son.

Another practical thing I suggested to him is something that’s almost impossible for any of us to do, but I stand by it: hang up the phone sometimes. Neither we nor our children need to personally see and share every piece of bad news as it happens in order to be informed, care about it, or fight back effectively. It’s worth reminding our children that this is a marathon, not a sprint: the world do need them, and they will need each other, so they should also try to take care of themselves however they can. We should do the same for ourselves, setting the example we want them to follow.

I could say a lot more, but the last thing, for now: it’s always a good time to remind our children that we see, love and are proud of who they are becoming. I think this can be even more important when things seem scary and unstable. Of course, the fact that your daughter is distraught brings you grief. But it’s also a sign of how much she cares, and it’s a GOOD something she cares about. This suggests that it is still recorded; that she’s not one of the bullies, or someone who’s content to only focus on her own worries or stand by while people suffer. She may be feeling a lack of confidence or faith right now, and this, again, is understandable, but you can always help and support her in building her confidence in herself and what she believes and knows how to be fair.

—Nicole

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