A trait of men and women with narcissistic habits makes them extremely difficult to deal with – whether as a partner at work or as a person to live with at home. As a therapist who specializes in helping couples build more satisfying marriages, I particularly focus on this trait.

The Most Overlooked Symptom of Narcissism, Even by Therapists

They are extremely poor listeners

There are many signs of narcissism, but the most telling, yet overlooked sign is habitual non-listening. Narcissistic people tend to talk a lot and listen very little. The narcissist knows what is best, so why bother listening to what others have to say?

Narcissists dismiss, deny, or belittle what others say instead of truly listening.

Two clues reveal this:

1. The word “but”: Delete all of the above – “But a better way to look at it is…”
2. Tone of voice: If the response seems angry or belittling, it’s a sign of a refusal to listen to what’s valid in what you just said.

You are especially likely to trigger disdain from a narcissistic person if your comment differs from the narcissist’s point of view. Narcissistic people I hear the words but I block the meaning and the message of the words they hear.

Why do therapists tend to overlook poor listening habits when assessing narcissism?

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People with narcissistic tendencies tend to listen to someone they view as more powerful than themselves. If people with narcissistic habits respect their therapist, their listening may seem completely normal to their therapist, such as explained by a study carried out in the Journal of Personality Research.

The work of Professor Anita Vangelisti helps show that if the therapist, on the other hand, saw the same client interacting with their spouse or employee, the listening patterns would most likely be very different – dismissive, completely ignoring, downplaying the point that the spouse or employee just argued. , disagreeing with it and pointing out what was wrong.

Most psychologists work with individual clients rather than couples, so they don’t see narcissistic listening habits.

Additionally, another reason therapists rarely note the narcissistic pattern of dismissive listening is that the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) lists factors that therapists use to diagnose emotional problems and problematic personality patterns .

Unfortunately, this manual does not mention listening deficits as a diagnostic factor for narcissism, which is why therapists tend not to look for them.

Again, psychology in general, and even more so the psychiatrists who write the DSM manual, have historically focused primarily on individuals rather than what those individuals do when they interact with others.

RELATED: How to Get Your Defensive Partner to Stop Yelling and Start Listening, According to a Psychologist

How to deal with dismissive listening in narcissists

1. Don’t take it personally

If someone you know speaks with minimal listening, don’t take it personally. Dismissing what you say as false or irrelevant says more about that person than it does about you or what you said.

Just as you wouldn’t take someone’s limited hearing ability personally, realize that your narcissistic friend, co-worker, or loved one has a disability.

2. Repeat what you said

Find ways to tactfully repeat the message you were trying to communicate.

A formula for tactfully repeating a comment that has been dismissed is to first cooperatively agree with what the narcissist said. Then, reiterate your previous point. That is, accept, then add your point of view.

You: The walls of this room are an unusual green color.

The narcissist: No, they are not. They are yellow.

You: Yes, I agree, they are yellowish, and at the same time, there is a lot of green in the yellow, a bit like a lime color.

RELATED: What You’re Really Like in Your Relationships, Based on Your Attachment Style

Why are we attracted to narcissistic people?

Narcissists to begin with appear attractive. Many narcissistic people are beautiful, earn well, and are fun to be around.

Women are attracted to narcissistic men because they seem powerful, special, and confident. Men are attracted to narcissistic women who are incredibly beautiful or attractive.

It is only when narcissists begin to ignore their partner’s concerns and dismiss what their partner says that narcissistic listening disorder becomes a source of relationship tension.

Watch Dr. W. Keith Campbell discuss the psychology behind narcissism.

Why do we miss the signs of a narcissistic listening deficit earlier in the relationship?

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Narcissists listen to people who seem more powerful or want something.

So when they are courting, they listen very well. It’s only when the relationship seems secure that narcissists relax into their basic dismissive listening style.

RELATED: 8 Ways to Deal with an Emotional Manipulator When You Feel Like You’re Losing Your Mind

What can you do if someone you work with or love exhibits narcissistic and non-listening behavior?

If you have chosen as a life partner someone with narcissistic habits or if you have to deal on an ongoing basis at work with someone who has difficulty listening to you, start by viewing narcissism as a handicap. Despite their charisma, narcissists have a real listening deficit, as supported by the work of Dr. Kathy Smolewska on narcissism and adult attachment.

Increase your self-confidence, as you will need to speak in a way that conveys an inner sense of personal power. From this confident position, use your collaborative dialogue skills, such as explored by researcher Margarita Canal. Show that you have heard your partner’s point of view, then persist until you have successfully conveyed your point of view as well.

Praise and affection will also get you everywhere. Narcissistic people relax and therefore listen better when they feel appreciated.

And remember that most narcissists can and do listen, even empathetically, when they perceive the person they are speaking with as having greater power.

What is the moral of the story?

When interacting with someone with narcissistic habits, you need to stay strong. Don’t be aggressive; just be strong in self-confidence. Expect to be heard. Keep providing feedback kindly but confidently until you succeed.

Then you never know what might emerge. The most neglected sign of narcissism may – or may not – disappear!

RELATED: 8 Little Signs of a Toxic Friendship (That Goes Way Beyond Hurt Feelings)

Susan Heitler, Ph.D., is an internationally renowned clinical psychologist, author and co-founder of Power of Two Marriage, a fun online program that teaches couples the skills needed for successful marriages.