DEAR ANNIE: My father committed suicide in 2021. My sister, who was initially supportive, then drunk called my mother and said a bunch of nasty things about me and my mother. For some reason, my mother did not interrupt the conversation and later told me what my sister had said, including that my father had killed himself because our other sister and I were “unstable” and could not not take care of him.

I haven’t spoken to my sister who drinks too much for a few years now. She had already ruined a family Thanksgiving with another drunken outburst and also squandered the money I gave her for a car. I want to confront her, but I know she will deny it and twist the idea to try to insult me. I don’t have time for that; I am disabled and suffer from severe and recurring depression and anxiety. I found my father, which was very hard on me, and I am amazed that not only does my sister not understand this, but she also continues to badmouth me.

Should I reach out and reluctantly text her, explaining why I haven’t responded to her messages since I learned what she said to our mother while she was drunk again ? It’s only because she doesn’t talk to me on the phone, only via text. Or should I just go my own way? — Still hurting

DEAR, STILL HURT: It sounds like a confrontation will end with your sister, once again, blaming your family’s difficulties, which will only be frustrating and hurtful to you.

While I’m sure she’s still grieving the loss of your father in her own way, as long as your sister continues to drink, it’s unlikely there will be any productive change. Protecting your own peace seems like a much better use of your time, until your sister is willing to listen and take responsibility for the pain she has contributed to your life. You might find comfort in your local Al-Anon chapter, connecting with others who understand this struggle.

Send your questions to Annie Lane at [email protected].