Pay Dirt is Slate’s financial advice column. Do you have a question? Send it to Athena, Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt,

I have been in a relationship for 11 years with a wonderful woman. We are both divorced and maintain good jobs and single-family homes. Her mother lives with her (and I love her mother). She has two adult boys. One of them is 27 years old, lives with her and works from home. The other is a 32-year-old man who lives with his girlfriend and they have a one-year-old child. Her two sons depend on her a lot on a daily basis and it’s starting to be a little too much. We’ve discussed moving in together, but I don’t want or like having his adult sons around all the time. The 27-year-old must move. How can I bring this to his attention or should I just keep the deal on two houses?

-Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

Many couples (even married!) are together for long periods of time and still maintain separate households, especially if one of them has children from a previous relationship. If it’s worked for you so far, I wouldn’t necessarily change the status quo. Telling someone you won’t live with them unless they force their child to move out and limit the time they spend with them is a harsh proposition.

Your letter doesn’t contain much information about her relationship with her children, but it seems like she doesn’t mind that they need her every day. In fact, it seems like she likes having them around. Even if her 27-year-old had to move, he would likely stay home with her, as would her other son. All three seem to have close ties. You don’t want to be the one who gets in your way. You would offer an ultimatum: choose me or your children. And I think asking him to choose will hurt your relationship more than it will help it grow. I would keep your house and just continue the great relationship you have had so far. And if you are still willing to accept that she’s a package deal with her adult children, so maybe at this point you can consider moving in together.

Dear Pay Dirt,

I’m about to buy my first apartment but the process is taking longer than expected. My rental lease is ending, so my boyfriend, who I’ve been living with for a year, offered to let me stay in his little two-bedroom apartment for a few weeks.

I’m truly grateful, but also terrified that moving in together, even temporarily, will turn our casual, easy dynamic into a dependent one. We love each other but we also like living alone, and supporting myself on my own salary is a strong source of identity for me (he earns much more than me). What can we do to help maintain our independence, socially and financially, while I’m all up in his space during this time? I plan to contribute to the groceries and cook a few nights a week, and you bet I’ll take him out to dinner when this is all over. But should we combine our laundry? Do you plan regular solo walks to give the other person time to be alone? Should I do more cleaning to offset the increase in his utility bills?

— Room for a little one

Dear room for a little one,

Congratulations on purchasing your first apartment! It’s nice of your boyfriend to suggest an alternative lifestyle while you close out this process.

Before you start proactively researching recipes and breaking out the cleaning supplies, I would ask your boyfriend what you can do to help him financially and logistically during your stay. Grocery shopping and meal preparation sounds good to you, but he might need your help in other ways, like covering one of the utility bills. Or maybe he expects you to relax until it’s time to move and doesn’t want you scrubbing his baseboards. It’s best to talk it out and decide on a plan for this time together before randomly doing something he doesn’t expect or even want you to do.

As for prioritizing your independence, I’m a big proponent of doing things for yourself and spending time with people who aren’t your partner. I would also like to figure out what it might look like with him. Yes, keep your routines and your freedom but take some time for each other. Moving in together, even for a short time, is a big step. And it’s best to get into the habit now of communicating openly with each other during major life changes.

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Dear Pay Dirt,

I started with a no-fee, low-interest, no-reward credit card at my local bank when I was 19. I have kept it ever since. I have been responsible for it: I pay it off in full every month and I spend within my means. My bank is reconsolidating in a way that is much less convenient and less financially useful to me. I plan to pick up a new one and switch by January. Since I’m leaving the bank anyway, I’m hoping to upgrade to a rewards credit card but I’m not sure how to choose one. Is it worth getting one for a fee? Should I get a regional bank and then a non-bank credit card like an airline? Or should I opt for a bank-linked card like the Chase Sapphire Preferred card?

My credit card accounts for the majority of my regular spending. I live in a high cost of living area and spend about $5,000 a month on my credit card. My regular costs are: rent, medical care, groceries, insurance, internet, electricity, public transportation, gym, and non-essentials. I fly five to six times a year to visit family and go on vacation. I mostly spend money on everyday life. How to choose? I’m afraid of messing with something that has a lot of fees or an interest rate that I’ll regret.

—Remove the wheels from credit cards

Dear Credit Card Readers,

What an exciting milestone for you! Paying an annual fee for a credit card may be worth it if THE credit card rewards exceed the costs themselves. For example, you mentioned the Chase Sapphire Preferred credit card in your letter. The annual fee for this card is $95; However, you can get 60,000 points and $300 in travel credits if you spend more than $4,000 in the first three months, which you will have no problem doing since you put most of your spending on your map. You also get extra points when you travel and dine out. These points can then be used for your travels throughout the year. So in this particular case I would say yes the fee would be worth it because the benefits outweigh the fee.

Since you spend primarily on your daily life, you may want to look for a card that lets you earn cash back on the groceries and retailers you shop most. I prioritize cards that can allow me to get money back on my regular purchases. This may not sound as enticing as free miles for travel, but over the past year I’ve saved a few hundred dollars this way, which I’ve been able to use to pay for my expenses. There are also apps that can help you keep track of your credit card rewards and will even tell you which cards to use where. Remember not to apply for multiple new lines of credit at once, as this can lower your credit score, making it more difficult to be approved for new lines of credit.

—Athena

Classic Prudie

Am I overreacting and saying that my whole family forgot my important birthday on my cousin’s wedding day? I turned 30 this year. I’m a big fan of celebrating my birthday. On my 29th birthday, people started talking about the last year of my 20s and I told them that I was planning a big year of events leading up to a big party on my 30th birthday and a travel the following week. I thought it was fortuitous that my birthday was on a Saturday this year, so I planned to go big. One of my cousins ​​asked me about my Christmas birthday plans and I told everyone. Well, on New Year’s Eve, my cousin got engaged.