Content warning: This article contains depictions of gun violence.

I was having dinner with my two best friends when we heard some loud noises. At first we thought it was fireworks. As the noises got louder, we realized they were gunshots. Broken glass; panic ensued. We got on all fours, crawling shakily to safety. After fearing for our lives for 15 minutes, the shooter disappeared. But our fear was not.

Two days later, I had my usual appointment with my therapist. I told her about this traumatic experience and she asked me if I would be interested in trying EMDR therapy. She explained that this therapy uses bilateral stimulations to activate the left and right sides of the brain, like when we sleep. (EMDR stands for “Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing,” a technical which has been used since 1987 to help people overcome traumatic experiences.) “It can help you move the trauma around in the brain so it doesn’t keep playing on a loop,” she said. Between tears, I replied, “Sure. Let’s do it.”

I completed five weekly EMDR sessions to help me move past this active shooter experience. Below I detail my very first experience with this type of therapy.

My first experience with EMDR

Before

As an audible learner, hearing myself speak out loud helps my cognition and processing. Additionally, I appreciate the professional advice that therapists can provide. For these reasons, I generally prefer talk therapy, which I have been practicing since February 2022.

Around the same time, another friend of mine started therapy. When we caught up, he told me he was practicing EMDR with his therapist. I asked him what it was and he explained the basics to me. It looked cool and innovative, but I didn’t feel the need for EMDR.

Fast forward to filming and I was thinking the exact opposite. I wanted to do Nothing to get rid of the flashbacks.

Before our EMDR sessions, my therapist I played a video so I could see what the process was like. At first, this modality put me off because I saw that the person was in distress. However, by the end of the video, I was more open: I could see the noticeable relief on the participant’s face. I felt like that was the feeling I needed, so I agreed to try EMDR.

During

My therapist and I started our EMDR sessions three days after filming. Each time, she had me start by taking a deep breath. Then she asked me to think about this painful memory. The key here is to think of a visual that accompanies the stressor. In my case, it was me getting on my knees and counting my breaths to stop myself from thinking, “You are going to die“.

Once I found this image, she asked me how painful it was on a scale of one to 10. I answered her question, took another deep breath, and then I I began to follow his hand as it moved rapidly. “Let the thoughts arise as they may and we can go from there,” she said.

“The world is a bad and scary place,” was my first thought. “Let’s go,” my therapist told me. Then: “I am helpless.” “Okay, keep going,” she said. “I did something wrong.” We would do this until I looked and felt less distressed, which we would know if my rating of that feeling was lower. It took five or six minutes, sometimes up to 10.

After the first session, I noticed that I was a little less triggered by the trauma, which is the ultimate goal of EMDR. I also realized that it was even more painful for me because I had assigned a negative value to my actions that night. And that meant I could start doing the work to detach these “wrongdoings” from my actions. This all happened from just one session, so by the end of the five sessions I felt even better.

Still, I have to admit that I was a little surprised by this approach. There is virtually no talking, especially compared to what I experience in my normal talk therapy. I was also surprised because EMDR in real life was much more tiring than I expected. I cried and I slept a lot during my EMDR therapy days – we are speaking 13 hours after my last session.

After

After completing EMDR therapy, I noticed several things. (It should be noted that although I did five sessions, according to the American Psychological AssociationEMDR is generally practiced once or twice a week for a total of six to 12 sessions. As my therapist explained, you know you’re “done” with EMDR once the memory is significantly less painful.) For starters, I stopped having so many flashbacks to that distressing image. And the flashbacks I have are less intense each time. I also understood that the world is not a bad and scary place; I just had A bad and scary experience. I am not a helpless person; I was just helpless that moment. I didn’t do anything wrong; I’ve done everything I have could.

Nowadays, I operate in a fun and enjoyable world as a highly competent person who knows exactly what to do, even in high-pressure situations.

If you’re considering trying EMDR, talk to your therapist about how to get started and what to do to prepare. It’s been almost three months since my near-death experience. And even if I don’t want Never If I come back to something like this, I’m happy to know that I have EMDR in my coping toolbox. Because now, when I see my trauma on the train tracks, I kindly say, “Keep moving.”

Natalie Arroyo Camacho is a San Fernando Valley-based journalist with more than five years of experience in the wellness and lifestyle industry. A proud child of immigrants and a first-generation Mexican-American, Natalie has earned her byline in the Los Angeles Times, GQ, Teen Vogue, Remezcla, PS and many more.