Back when I had a severe dissociative disorderI was a dream employee. I didn’t feel anything, so nothing could interfere with my work. I could overcome it all: the lack of sleep, the burnout, the hunger, the illness, the pain. I answered calls and emails 24 hours a day, and my coworkers couldn’t violate my boundaries if I didn’t have any.

Sure, the bosses loved me – a hard-working woman who never said no – but for a long time, that dynamic benefited me, too.

I could pretend that nothing was wrong with me. Workaholism itself is a form of dissociation, which our culture rewards with raises, promotions, and praise for a life well lived.

In his biography, Steve JobsWalter Isaacson writes that abandonment fueled the tech mogul’s success. Steve Jobs was put up for adoption when he was born. He spent his life chasing money, recognition, and status in an attempt to prove that he was wanted and worthy. However, external validation could not fill this gap.

Those close to Steve Jobs described him as “dynamic” and “intense”. He denied the paternity of his daughter and eliminated all philanthropic programs upon his return to Apple. Jobs divided his staff into two categories: “gods” or “s**theads”, depending on whether or not they respond to his incessant requests. He often dismissed the “assholes” on the spot and in front of their peers.

Yet our culture idolizes this man as a leader, a visionary, and a prime example of the American dream.

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Anna Shvets | Pixels

Once I got better, I didn’t want to compete in Corporate America anymore.

At age 28, I finally received treatment for my dissociative disorder. Use a trauma therapy technique called EMDRI returned to my body and realized that beneath the numbness I was a very sensitive person.

That’s why I logged out in the first place. The screaming, the violence, the depression, the mania that reigned in my childhood home — that overloaded my hyper-tuned sensesso I stopped to survive. But now that I could feel again, I was no longer a dream employee.

How was I supposed to succeed when I soaked up other people’s emotions like a sea sponge? How could I spend 40 hours a week in an office when the noise was deafening? Office discussions. Taxis honking in the city streets. The incessant buzzing of the fluorescent lights on the ceiling.

How could I get through this when the pain I had hidden for two decades now demanded to be felt? However, even if I was not neurodivergent, I would have difficulty succeeding in a traditional corporate job.

Photo by: Kaboompics.com | Pixels

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For what? Because American businesses were not designed for women.

THE working day from nine to five was designed for men who had 24 hour in-house support. After an eight-hour shift, they would return to a clean house and sit down to a home-cooked meal. The children were fed, bathed and ready for bed. The men had done their work for the day and everything else was taken care of.

Today, most women do all of this, whether they’re single or not. Pew Research Center research shows that in addition to having a job, most women in relationships still shoulder the majority of domestic responsibilities. Before, after and during work, they cook, clean and look after their children.

Progress in the workplace is not much better. According to a recent reportthe treatment of women in professional circles is largely the same as it was a decade ago. Yes, companies mandate training on inclusiveness, but cheesy videos and check-the-box quizzes haven’t changed people’s behaviors.

At work, women are still three times more likely to be interruptedhave their ideas passed off as someone else’s, are judged on their appearance and emotional state, and are confused with lower-level employees or other women of the same race. Women are also always penalized for speaking.

Shortly after starting therapy, I was fired from a leadership role because I refused to compromise my integrity for the immoral gain of a business. No matter how many times cheesy videos ask us to report discriminatory behavior, the subtext is clear:

If women want to climb the corporate ladder, they need to shut up, toughen up and accept it.

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Lisa Summer | Pixels

I don’t want to give up anymore.

I’m one of the lucky ones. My mental illness served me long enough for me to establish myself as a professional in the world of writing. Now I still work hard, but I do it My terms.

I have multiple sources of income, so my livelihood will never again depend on the whims of a single changing boss. I only work for clients and employers who respect a balance between professional and private life and let me make my schedule. I turn down assignments when I’m dealing with something difficult so I can sit in the discomfort rather than distract myself from it.

I haven’t set foot in an office in years. Instead, I work under the silent and peaceful protection of the house that I own and share with a man who treats me as an equal partner.

Most importantly, I have the time and energy to prioritize the things that matter: relationships. Spirituality. Empathy. Healing. Returning to who I was before this world convinced me that self-sacrifice and external success would fill this void.

Corporate America wasn’t designed for women like me, and I don’t want what it’s selling anyway.