One of the most common complaints I see in couples therapy is that the woman feels like she never has the man’s full attention except in bed.

Even so, men who suffer from inattention are often inattentive lovers and prioritize bells and whistles over a connected experience.) Some of the Top Reasons Men Don’t Focus on Their Women are covered in this article, as well as how to repair after a lack of attention. focus and re-prioritize your marriage.

One of the main reasons women say their husbands don’t pay attention to them is because they are “always on the phone.”

This is especially true for men with ADHD, who cannot resist the dose of dopamine brought on by searching, gaming, or engaging on social media or other forums. When the phone is in your partner’s hand 24/7 (or almost), it’s hard to compete. Often women are also upset that the man ignore the kids in favor of the phone.

Depressed men also have trouble getting up and moving, and much of what they do while sitting or lying down is playing on their phone. Therapy can help men struggling with untreated or undiagnosed depression or ADHD by clarifying what aspects of their behavior are attributable to these issues and how to cope without escaping to a screen.

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Another common complaint I hear in therapy is that the man is not interested in the conversation.

This is especially true if the man feels that there is no point in talking because the woman “just wants to vent.” Couples advice can be transformative in a dynamic like this, which usually involves a man who was raised in a household without talking much about his feelings and a woman who is often anxious or depressed, so she really comes back to the same topics over and over again without accepting comments. or help (this is called a help-refusing complainer).

Remember, it’s a myth that conversations should never involve problem solving. After showing empathy, most people try to help a friend or partner by thinking of ways to solve their problems. Problem solving can be very bonding when done within an empathetic and supportive relationship. Avoidant attachment is another major cause of a “not paying attention” husband.

When men have an avoidant attachment style, they tend to partner with preoccupied women. The woman constantly seeks the man for the attention she never received as a child, and the man has learned from childhood to be completely self-sufficient and to despise proximity. These two are locked in a pursuer-distance relationship that can benefit greatly from therapy, which helps each partner see their contribution to the dynamic and where it began in early life.

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Other husbands are inattentive because they are irritated by the relationship dynamic itself. Generally, in this situation, the marriage has low intimacy and affection.

While most wives who want more attention have preoccupied attachment and are “pursuers,” as noted earlier, some women who want more attention are avoidant or fearful. These women fear intimacy and complain of a lack of attention because they feel like their husbands are not focused on activities related to children or the home. They feel like their husband is shirking his role as co-CEO of the household by focusing on his work, hobbies or interests.

However, the husband feels that he does not want a marriage that is a business partnership and, from his point of view, he faces a problem marriage without love by throwing themselves into other fulfilling activities. This couple can often benefit enormously from couples counseling, where a therapist can explain the role of romantic intimacy for womenwho often views this as stupid or unnecessary, and shows how his lack of focus on the house parallels his lack of focus on the relationship.

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A final reason you may not be paying attention to your wife is perhaps because you are too focused on your child.

Here is an example of a woman who feels this way. More and more men I see are matching and even surpassing their wives in the race to give their children their full attention. I discuss this phenomenon constantly, as I have seen this marriage sabotage, harm parents’ mental health, and create insecure, self-centered children who, as adults, having negative feelings about parenting and family.

Working with a therapist can help men like this understand what they may be compensating for by over-parenting, which often involves looking at the family of origin. Often, those who are most hyper-focused on their children continue a legacy of anxiety or turn 180 degrees away from inattentive and inattentive people. even neglectful parenting that they experienced as children.

If this message resonated with you, use it as a springboard for an open and honest discussion with your partner. Couples therapy can transform this dynamic, complementing individual work on both sides.

Don’t let your children see an unhappy marriage, full of tension and resentment! This will only teach them to one day reproduce the same pattern in their own relationships; in fact, helping couples break the cycle of intergenerational dysfunction is one of the main reasons I work with couples in therapy. Complete the cycle with you.

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Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice, Best Life Behavioral Health.