Children arguing over toys, teenagers disobeying rules, and mothers brooding over old offenses: this is the environment found in many homes, even the most stable and loving. Although home is supposed to be a place of peace amidst the turmoil of the world, it often feels more like a battlefield.

We defend the family as a stabilizing force in society, a spiritual and emotional respite. But paradoxically, there is a contrasting argument in favor of the defense of the family. As Christian author GK Chesterton points out in Heretics: “The common defense of the family is that, amid the stresses and fickleness of life, it is peaceful, pleasant, and united. But there is another defense of the family that is possible…the family is neither peaceful, nor pleasant, nor united.

Think back to your childhood and the reality of daily life as a family. I hope you have memories of laughter and joy. But maybe your older brother also ignored you, your sister was oversensitive, or your father was hard to please.

Chesterton emphasizes family conflict not to denigrate domestic life, but to emphasize its potential for promoting personal growth. “The best way for a man to test his readiness to encounter the common variety of humanity…is to go down the chimney of a house at random and get on as well as possible with the people there . And that’s essentially what each of us did the day we were born.

This “test” is difficult for all of us. “As soon as you think you are enlightened,” writes the contemplative professor Ram Dass, “go spend a week with your family. »

Reading his Meditations, we see that even Marcus Aurelius, the powerful Roman emperor, seemed more concerned with the difficulties of getting along with family and colleagues than with conquering nations or ruling an empire. He wrote: “When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: the people I deal with today will be intrusive, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous and surly… But none of them will be able to do me any harm. wrong. We were born to work together like feet, hands and eyes, like the two rows of teeth, upper and lower.

Two thousand years later, modern thinkers are less likely to meditate on how to treat family members stoically. Today, many people reject the family precisely because of the conflicts that so frequently arise there. They argue that family – especially when it is not entirely supportive and “validating” – can get in the way of happiness and freedom. Instead, it is often said, we should choose our relationships in what some call a “chosen family.”

This is why we are seeing increasing estrangement: one in four adults report being separated from a family member. There are certainly cases where this is necessary, for example in cases of abuse. But more often, like recently New Yorkers As the article explains, children cut ties due to changes in political or religious views or inability to get along. A secular girl, estranged from her religious parents, said: “Reconciliation, to me, would mean them doing a lot of work, and I don’t think they will, so I just need to move forward like if it didn’t work out. arrive. »

Family reconciliation indeed requires frequent work on the part of all members, and many are no longer willing to make this sacrifice. Why do “a lot of work” when you can seek out other social connections that feel good and require a lot less? Christian values ​​of forgiveness and humility can seem outdated, in a society that serves the comfort of like-minded communities. But as Chesterton says: “We make our friends, we make our enemies, but God makes our neighbor…. This is why the ancient religions and the old scriptural language were so wise when they spoke not of one’s duty to humanity, but of one’s duty to one’s neighbor.

The most important of our “unchosen” neighbors are our family members. It is difficult to imagine that Jesus Christ, who called Matthew, the tax collector, to stand alongside Simon, the Zealot, could view political or ideological differences as grounds for severing family ties. Thanks to the comforting message of their common master, Matthieu and Simon transcended their differences.

As Christians, we are all on a mission to receive the virtue necessary to overcome such differences. We take seriously the scriptural admonitions to honor parents and I love our families. We view suffering as part of mortality and aim for higher goals than comfort alone. We want lives that challenge us and demand something of us – we want adventure. The ultimate adventure is being born into a family.

By rejecting family life in pursuit of comfort or like-minded communities, we move away from the humble relationships that are essential to virtuous progression. In this way, as Chesterton says, we can inadvertently create a society that protects increasingly “lonely” individuals from “all experience of bitter and bracing human compromises” – something he describes as “in the sense the most literal of the term, a society.” for the prevention of Christian knowledge.

Martin Heidegger, a German philosopher, described our birth into this world as a “projection” into life, suggesting that we did not choose the place, circumstances, or parents into which we were born. Even if you believe in some sort of specific premortal choice, you may still believe that some of this “throwing” was orchestrated by God. Often this “throwing” places us in difficult situations and with people we don’t naturally get along with. Yet we can take comfort in knowing that God has a plan and His purpose is our growth. This will almost certainly require true heroism as we move forward in the story He has written for us.

Home is where most of our heroism should happen. There is a special kind of annoyance that occurs at home – a more powerful offense and a more scathing rebuke than is found anywhere else in the world. We could travel around the world among various cultures and never meet someone as incomprehensible as our sister. We may seek and achieve honor and glory on Wall Street, but we find no one whose opinion matters more to us than our own demanding father. We may debate opposing ideologies across the country, but we will find no one more upsetting in politics than our own Uncle Bob.

Because we are bonded by birth, even when we don’t like each other, family becomes the training ground for lasting change. When I was a child, my best friend was my sister, who was two years older than me. She was also my worst enemy. She was gentle, calm and sensitive. I was overconfident, pushy and insensitive. This led to certain difficulties. I remember feeling like she always thought the worst of me. She remembers my rudeness.

But little by little, I changed, and so did she. I’m less brash and sarcastic, and my sister is more resilient. I think the change is due to the slow removal of each person’s rough edges. I started choosing not to say things because I didn’t want her to take it the wrong way. She chose to let things go. I believe I am a better person because I had to go through the difficulty of adjusting to my sister. We got through our difficult and wonderful childhood and are still best friends, but no longer worst enemies.

If we wish to prove ourselves to be disciples of Christ – embodiments of love and forgiveness – we must first succeed on the battlefields of our own homes. As Christ said: “If you love those who love you, what reward will you have? Don’t even tax collectors do the same? But if we love our little brother despite his nasty habits, or if we forgive our older sister despite her offensive behavior, then we get a hero’s reward.

As a mother of five, life’s greatest joys come from my family – as well as the greatest miseries and conflicts. However, I learned to have a lighter view of family conflicts. I’ve had to accept that my “happy family” isn’t always happy, and that’s okay. I try to view my children’s sibling rivalries and differing opinions as a way for them to learn important skills like compromise, conflict resolution, and tolerance of differences.

As we reflect on the many things we have to be grateful for this Thanksgiving, perhaps we might consider blessing our difficult families. Rather than avoiding our difficult relationships, let’s enter into them, knowing that God has “thrown” us into our family. Let us also pray for peace and work towards harmony. But we might also want to teach our son that if he could just learn to get along with his little sister, ruling Rome would be easy.