Dear Eric: This letter is probably best read after that first cup of coffee in the morning. My husband of over 50 years has a habit of peeing outside, even though his office has its own bathroom.

His father and uncle did the same thing, but they chose an old ivy field for their “offerings.”

My husband stands in front of the beautiful landscaping on our small patio. I have expressed several times that I am offended, that the plants are offended, and that he should stop this rudeness, if only because it bothers me so much.

When he gets caught, he apologizes profusely but it happens again and again. I feel disrespected. I think this issue is about more than marking one’s territory. Can you help?

—Sad in Urinetown

Dear Sad: Well, I had my coffee but, alas, it didn’t help. If your husband has been doing this throughout your marriage – perhaps even his entire life – I’m tempted to say that you can’t teach an experienced dog new tricks. Except he’s not a dog and he’s not claiming a new fire hydrant on the block.

When it comes to marking territory, you and he have already marked the territory by signing your mortgage or rental agreement. And you’ve scored it again by paying or working on your landscaping.

So, you’re right: it’s disrespectful to you that he can’t find another outdoor toilet or change his habits. I’m perplexed by his profuse apologies, followed by him doing the exact same thing. Whether it’s a very specific pattern of forgetfulness or a blatant disregard for your feelings, it’s cause for concern.

I can’t tell from your letter if you suspect he’s having memory problems, but if that’s an option, you’ll want to talk to him and your doctor about other signs you’re noticing. However, if he is just set in his ways, get in your ways as well. Tell him that you’re tired of being upset by this behavior and that you need him to respect you enough to make a change.

Also, you know those little yard signs that discourage people from letting their dogs do their business in the yard? You may want to invest in one and display it on your patio. For an individual audience.

Dear Eric: For a while, my husband and I struggled mentally, financially, and in every practical way possible. We asked neighboring family members for help in moving to a new city. The family – a husband and wife – staged what I later realized was supposed to be some sort of “intervention” into our decisions.

A few days later, the woman was very talkative via text, asking questions about the move. I didn’t think anything of it until my husband (my blood relative) called me and blew my mind over everything his wife had been telling him. He would yell, scold me and ask me how stupid I could be. I hung up on him, then texted them to tell them that they didn’t have to agree with our decisions, but that they couldn’t talk to me like that.

There were more reprimands via text messages. The wife said that because I always asked them for their opinion and advice, they had the right to speak to me that way because of what they thought about the decisions my husband and I were making.

A week later I received another text from the husband saying that I was irrational, manipulative and that he deserves more respect than behaving like that. I keep trying to figure out: is this as ridiculous as it seems to me or does going to someone to talk about things give them the right to enlighten you if they don’t like it? what are you doing?

—Bad advice

Dear Advice: Advice is not the law. As an advice columnist, I don’t wear a robe or carry a gavel. It was a sad surprise for me when I started this job because I love a good costume. But the facts remain the facts. Your loved ones can express their feelings about your decisions, they can even gossip about you privately, if they want. But you don’t owe them.

And asking for advice certainly does not give anyone the right to insult, berate or belittle. (This is also a helpful reminder for those writing responses to advice column responses.)

You came to your loved ones in need of emotional support and advice. Advice is a suggestion. It’s an offering. It’s optional. The fact that they respond with edicts and rants indicates that they are not actually the right people to support you.

Maintain your boundary with them and if they can’t keep it, block them. It’s just my suggestion.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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