Dear Eric: One of my daughters-in-law has always been easy to offend. It’s a family affair, with people being rejected for years. I tried to be loving and caring, but I always failed.

Eighteen months ago she had a medical emergency and our son asked us to come. While they were home, my daughter-in-law started talking about their finances and asking my opinion on what they should do. I suggested that maybe they should start planning for the future instead of living in the moment. Everything seemed fine for a while. Then came the anger, the pain and everything that goes with it.

I later realized that she wanted me to offer to help them financially. We are retired and we make almost a third of what they make.

She stopped talking to us and we left. She cut off all contact with us right after sending me a really hateful email.

She also told one of our adult grandchildren that I had said untrue things about her.

Now our son is making proposals on behalf of his wife to simply forgive and forget. I actually appreciated not having to guard every word I say and all the drama that goes with it. I don’t think I can trust him any more than I did before. I just don’t know if I can forgive and forget. I hate it, but it’s true. Any advice?

—No intentional infringement

Dear, no offense: I see red flags everywhere here. There are so many flags that it looks like the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games. It is unacceptable that she lied to her child about you; it’s horrible that she cut off contact after you refused to give her money; It’s worrying that she’s so quick to take offense. Legitimate offense is one thing, but the way she deploys it feels more manipulative. You are right to not want to participate in the manipulation.

Your son wants you to forgive and forget, but has she really asked for forgiveness? Or did he contact you? I’m not saying you can’t forgive without an apology, but she crossed several lines and she needs to admit it.

I’m sometimes a fan of “forgive and remember.” She has a behavior that makes it difficult to trust her again without change. Ideally, you could have a conversation with her where you explain to her how her actions affected you and she makes you forgive him. If she doesn’t, it’s wise to keep a polite distance.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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