Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.

This week, she gives solid advice on being wary of a boyfriend’s friend and healing old family wounds.

Read on for this week’s reader puzzles and tips from Em.

My long term boyfriend/situation went to Paris this weekend with a few of his friends, two couples and a single friend (so in my mind, a couples vacation with another woman).

I let him know several times that this whole thing made me uncomfortable and “jokingly” asked him if he could take me to test the water. He wouldn’t do it.

I have now seen on Instagram in every photo from the trip that he was standing right next to the friend. I don’t know if I’m reading too much into this, but I feel horrible and anxious and a big mess and I haven’t heard from him since he left. Any advice on how to handle this?

Regardless of what happens or doesn’t happen on this journey, your feelings are valid and his reaction to them is (in my opinion) a much bigger problem than the woman he’s with.

There are many worlds where you really have nothing to fear with her.

For starters, he’s unlikely to be blatant enough to cheat on you in front of his friends, especially if he knows you know where he is and who he’s with.

It’s natural that they gravitate toward each other in photos etc., since they’re the only ones without a partner on the trip, and they’ve probably cultivated a friendship because of that.

And that’s probably all it is; unlike the confusing messages of When Harry Met Sallymen and women CAN just be friends. Just because they’re “a man” and “a woman” together doesn’t mean an affair is inevitable, and I really want to point out that, fundamentally, their dynamic within the group is not an affair for me. immediate alarm signal.

What’s more concerning is your long-term boyfriend/situation’s resistance to easing your feelings of anxiety about the trip as a whole. I understand that he may not have been able to extend an invitation to you for whatever reason, but I don’t understand why he hasn’t contacted you since he’s been away, especially since he knows this that you feel at the idea of ​​his presence. first place.

This is a conversation you will need to have with him when he returns. It seems to me that you need a lot more clarity regarding your relationship and you have every right to ask for it. If the idea of ​​pushing him into some sort of solidified commitment scares you, I think you need to think hard about why this is happening.

Sometimes we’re afraid to ask the question because we don’t want to hear the answer, but in many other ways I think this guy tells you a lot about where you are right now, and it’s not not where you deserve to be. . Ultimately, you deserve to feel peaceful and safe, and it doesn’t seem like this relationship evokes either of those feelings for you.

Don’t worry about the girl from Paris; I don’t think she’s the key to all of this at all. Instead, try to push your boyfriend when he returns to have a conversation with you about the feelings of anxiety you’ve been experiencing, what he could have done to reassure you, and why he didn’t do any of these things to that moment. time.

There’s a quote I love that says, “rather alone than alone with you” and I think that might be something to think about here. Sending you lots of luck and love xx

I have a history of falls with my older brother. When this happens, we stop talking for a few months and then I’m the one apologizing even though I’m not the cause of the problem.

Last time, I invited my brother to accompany me to a concert, along with another of my brothers. It was supposed to be just me and them, but my sister-in-law asked to come – great.

On the day of the concert, I arrived late, but the concert still hadn’t started. I didn’t find them in the crowd and when I asked one of them to meet me somewhere inside the stadium, both of them refused because they would lose their good seats.

I ended up spending two hours alone at a concert because they literally wouldn’t leave their seats. Instead, they called me at the end of the concert to ask where I was. I didn’t respond and stopped contact completely after that.

I told my other siblings that I didn’t want to have contact with my older brother anymore and my sister said I was being unreasonable because it was my fault for arriving late. I think they were selfish and showed me no respect. Am I wrong?

No, you are not wrong. In isolation, this situation (while rude on their part) might not be enough to warrant a complete break in communication with your brother, but it seems to me like it’s just the tip of the iceberg.

For some reason, we’re really expected to deal with a lot of bullshit from our families, and we see time and time again that boundaries are the hardest to implement in these dynamics.

Particularly as women, we’re supposed to be tolerant, sometimes painfully so, and it makes people really uncomfortable when we finally break down and say *enough*.

This is normally why they tell us we are being too sensitive and overreacting, and it is usually why we find ourselves relaxing the boundaries we have set time and time again so that we can appear a little more accommodating, because we felt guilty for the discomfort we caused by trying to defend our interests.

You’ll probably always love your brothers, but you might not always love them, and that’s okay. I’m sure you can get to a place in the future where you can exist happily with this acceptance, where you have managed your expectations to the point where you can see him and appreciate him without the possibility of being disappointed in him when he leaves you fall, but you won’t get there without limits.

Right now, your brother is disrespecting you for leaving you alone at an event you invited him to, East rude, and that’s not how he should treat the people he cares about, nor is it the kind of behavior you should put up with.

If I were you, I would write to him and tell him, in the calmest way possible, that you were hurt by his behavior, that you feel undervalued and disrespected and that this is simply not a dynamic you are not comfortable with.

Ask him if he would ever treat any of his friends the same way he treated you, and if not, why not? You may be siblings, but the dynamic is still a relationship, and every relationship should be built on respect. If he can’t offer you that right now, you’ll need to take a step back.

I wouldn’t expect an honest answer, but either way, forget it. And then get to work sorting out your feelings about him, with a therapist if that’s an option for you, and if not, seriously thinking about who your brother is and who you want him to be.

It’s often the difference between these two things that makes us susceptible to suffering, and it’s worth trying to see if we can work to hope a little less, and somehow find a way to be satisfied with it.

Sending lots of love xx

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