There is no such thing as perfect parenting. That’s the big sigh of relief for Becky Kennedy, aka Dr. Becky, who considers herself “a clinical psychologist turned world disruptor.” parenthood supportive space,” she says Fortune. There is effective however, parenting. “And the key to effective parenting…is what I call strong leadership,” she says.

His strong leadership model, as taught by his coaching business Good insideaims to help parents understand their role and that of their children, and then help their children learn the skills they need in life. “Not only to improve behavior, but also to become fully functioning and successful adults,” explains the mother of children aged 7, 10 and 13.

An important part of this type of parenting is preparing your child for a resilient, confident and successful future, Kennedy emphasizes. And you do this by “optimizing your child’s long-term resilience,” she says.

Here, Kennedy explains how to maintain this approach every day as a parent.

Choose your battles wisely

“There are times when I optimize for my children’s short-term happiness,” Kennedy admits. “I’m human and sometimes I’m like, ‘You know what? All right, have the ice cream for breakfast.

But for a while, she emphasizes, parents need to be “long-term hungry,” meaning it’s important to keep in mind your children’s future — and that they’ll likely live away from you for more years than them. I will be with you.

“I think the stakes are only getting higher,” she says. “I also believe that the best gift I can give my child is the ability to handle difficult things, to have the ability to adapt to the ups and downs of life and to know that we can overcome delicate situations. “

This is what Kennedy says gives children “a bigger head start in life” than anything else. “Life is hard…And our children don’t learn the skills to tackle difficult things as a birthday present. They don’t learn them by reading a book. You learn them by practicing those skills over and over again.”

Avoid fixing everything for your children all the time

Finding difficult situations that can teach your children resilience isn’t the hard part. “You don’t have to insert difficult moments: They can’t do a puzzle, they’re struggling with their math homework, they weren’t invited to the party,” Kennedy says, illustrating how they come at a steady clip, all the time.

What’s difficult, however, is not stepping in to fix your children’s rough patches, whom you hate to see struggle or feel upset.

“If I optimize for short-term comfort, I’m going to fix the situation,” Kennedy says. And by doing that for your child, she says, “they start to have difficulty with an immediate solution.” In other words: “Their body says, ‘I was kicked out of a party; my mother threw me a party bigger than this child’s birthday. “I can’t do the puzzle; my father finished it for me.’ And intervening in this way creates a set of expectations for your child in the world, she explains.

“So let’s fast forward many years and if this is a trend, then when my child has a delayed flight, my child, at 25, will call me angry, expecting me to personally rebook him on another flight and pay money to do this, because their body says, “I’m struggling and my parents are offering me an immediate solution.” »

Instead, consider giving your child the opportunity to overcome difficulties and find their own solution. “Learning to wrestle is so important. That’s how you succeed,” Kennedy says. “The better you are at struggling – not in a toxic way, but the better you are at staying in a moment of struggle – the more resilient you can be. And so I view that as a guiding principle.

Here’s how to wire for resiliency

“I hate things that can’t be acted upon,” Kennedy says. So she suggests two ingredients that can help parents build their children’s resilience whenever they struggle: validation and capacity.

With validation, you first confirm that your child is upset. And you can do this by simply saying, “Oh, that stinks.”

“‘Oh, that stinks’ is the most underused parenting phrase,” she says. “Parents always expect me to say something very sophisticated. “Oh, it stinks. Oh, that’s the worst”, however, gets the job done.

Next comes the “thinking skills part”. That’s when you say something like, “‘I know we can get through this.’ My child doesn’t know how to do a puzzle. ‘Oh, you’re right. This puzzle is really tricky. I just know that if you breathe deeply, you can stick with it. That’s what prepares a child for that long-term resilience,” she says, “as opposed to short-term instant gratification.”

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This story was originally featured on Fortune.com