Millions of children come from separated or divorced families – and in many cases, that means Christmas can become a battleground, as they are caught between warring parents who want their children to spend the holidays with them.

“Parents can sometimes use Christmas to get revenge by spending time with their children,” says Sarah Hawkins, chief executive of National family mediation.

“It’s really an unfortunate situation for children, when they want to see both parents during this beautiful Christmas period.”

So what’s the best way for separated parents to negotiate the holiday season and avoid conflict, so everyone can enjoy the holiday cheer? Hawkins and other experts share their best advice…

1. Plan well

“Plan ahead,” advises Hawkins, who says this can involve creating a schedule and trying to agree on things in advance. “Then you’ll both know where you stand and what you’re in for when you have your kids, to try to avoid arguments until what’s supposed to be a really nice time for them.”

2. Do your best to communicate calmly

As with most things in life, communication is key, no matter how much you dislike your ex-partner.

Elizabeth Coe, executive director of the National Association of Children’s Contact Centers (NACCC) emphasizes that the association offers a “Parenting plan template on their website, to help parents manage co-parenting effectively, focusing on the well-being of the children.

“Family breakdown can be profoundly distressing for everyone involved, but especially for children and young people,” says Coe. “Communication is essential, and the Parenting Plan is a useful tool that encourages respectful communication between both parents.

“It is essential to discuss among ourselves what would work best for the children and for you at Christmas,” she adds. “A solution agreed in advance helps avoid conflict closer to the time when emotions can run high.”

3. Consider taking turns celebrating Christmas

Parents can agree to take turns spending the day, or the Christmas period, with their children every two years. “This allows the children to experience the festivities with each parent every other year,” says Coe.

And Hawkins added: “Share the Christmas period and make sure it’s fair, but also think about next year, knowing that if the child went to Dad this year, he’ll be with Mom next year. next year. Just make sure it’s secure for them and that the kids know exactly what’s going on.

4. Organize an alternative Christmas

Graham Porter, Director of Association for Shared Parenthoodexplains that when his daughter was young, he organized a second Christmas for her at his house, after she had spent a real Christmas with her mother.

“My solution was to give the mother a full week at Christmas, and she considered that a victory,” he says.

“I then had a second Christmas over a week in the New Year, complete with a stocking and a party. It worked very well. My daughter, now 32, went to school boasting about having had two Christmases, and dealing with her absence on Christmas Day was no problem: I was just looking forward to her week with me.

5. Try to compromise

Coe says: “Making plans requires an element of compromise and we encourage parents to think about what solution works best for the children involved. »

However, Porter emphasizes: “At best, parents can agree without problem, which is always in the best interests of the children. Unfortunately, due to the animosity between the parties, this is not always possible – but they must always act in the best interests of the child.”

6. Don’t promise what you can’t give

Parents want to give their child everything they can at Christmas – perhaps sometimes to gain an advantage over their ex. But it’s essential to be realistic and not let a child think they will get or do something that you can’t actually afford/offer, Hawkins emphasizes.

“Avoid overpromising,” she advises. “Make these decisions between yourselves before letting the children know exactly what is going to happen, so they don’t feel like a parent doesn’t care about them.”

7. Try family mediation

Hawkins says mediation works in several ways, including giving parents example scenarios, to take them away from their own situation and help them see things the way the children see them.

There is also child-inclusive mediation, which gives children a voice and the opportunity to speak to a mediator. “They have the opportunity to be honest and open about the situation, and that information is relayed to the parents,” Hawkins says. “It can be very impactful for parents when they hear what their children are going through, because a lot of the time children just don’t feel like they can tell their parents directly.”

8. Plan gifts between you

Gifts you want to give your children should be included in your plan, suggests Hawkins. She says parents need to decide among themselves whether they’ll continue giving gifts together or set a spending limit.

“Make sure it’s all about communication around Christmas,” she emphasizes. “Parents do use present buying to gain favors, but in the long run it does not help the child. You need to think about boundaries and make sure your children know exactly what things are worth and are aware, as much as possible, that you are still co-parenting.

9. Don’t force children to attend two Christmas dinners

Hawkins says children from separated families often have two dinners on Christmas Day. “This is usually where we push parents to sit down and think about the impact this had on their child, and then consider mediation so it doesn’t happen again,” she says.

“The feedback we receive from parents who have followed mediation shows that it calms everything down and they see how settled their children are. It’s about thinking about your children and knowing when to ask for help.