Dear Eric: My partner and I have just bought a house together and we are settling in well. He and his ex had been married for 10 years and she was mentally and emotionally abusive towards him. It took a lot of strength for him to leave.

They have no children, pets or property together. This should have been a clean break; however, she still contacts him.

Recently, she sent him a card in the mail. It contained a housewarming gift, a $1,000 gift card.

Two weeks later, she sent him a letter telling him how much she still loved him, that she missed him and that she wished he would let her into his life and change her. He doesn’t fall for it.

He is aware that she is manipulative, but he also does not confront her on the issue of letting go. Instead, he chooses to ignore her and believes that any response would fuel his behavior even more.

I trust my partner and know that nothing funny is happening. I also don’t think it’s healthy for anyone.

He’s mentioned in the past how obligated he feels to her (she saved his life a long time ago). I also don’t believe he’s been upfront about our relationship, and I doubt she knows we live together, so it feels like a secret (she absolutely despises me). None of this makes me feel good, and broaching the subject only leads to tension. If we do, he treats it like I’m the one with the problem and that’s completely normal. What do you think?

– Silent partner

Dear partner: A thousand dollars and a manipulative love confession? This is neither normal nor the kind of problem that just goes away. Your partner is cheating or trying to cheat on you.

Additionally, his reluctance to set a clear boundary with his ex or even tell him that you live together suggests that he is not ready to move on from this abusive relationship. It’s not his fault, but he has a responsibility to fix it for his mental and emotional health as well as the health of your relationship going forward.

It can be difficult to move on. Recovery from an emotionally abusive and manipulative relationship takes time and is often more complicated than it initially appears. However, if he does not actively work on it, he will not progress. Your conversations may be less tense if you start them by acknowledging that the relationship with his ex remains complicated and probably involves a lot of conflicting feelings about him. But he also needs to recognize that your problems with your ex’s behavior are not a “you” problem, but a relationship problem in which he plays a big role.