Dear Eric: I had a good friend who passed away last year. We have known each other for over 50 years. We socialized as much as possible and I talked to him frequently.

He got sick and I visited him as much as possible. After he died, I offered to help his wife organize the funeral, as they had done nothing. I heard no response.

We learned about the funeral from the Internet. We sent flowers and cards; we never received a response. We called and left messages, the same way. We sent cards for masses, holidays and birthdays. No response.

Other friends tell us she is doing well. We don’t understand his behavior and we don’t know what else to do. What is your advice?

—Perplexed friend

Dear Perplexed: I am sorry for the loss of your friend. I know his wife’s silence makes the loss even harder. The silence also makes it difficult to understand what is happening on his end. A likely explanation is that his grief makes it difficult to talk to you or forces him to withdraw or simply makes logistics a challenge.

It’s hard to accept, but it’s not a matter of who you are. Grief is complicated and often vicious; it takes us out of ourselves.

Unfortunately, there’s nothing more you can do to foster a connection. For now, it is important to recognize her silence as a boundary and respect it. You’ve shown her support in many ways, but if that’s not what she wants or needs, the most encouraging thing to do is to lovingly step back.

Dear Eric: I would like to add something to your response to “No Poker Face,” a white man in his 60s who asked you how he should have responded to racist comments from an old friend.

I highly recommend the Southern Poverty Law Center’s collection of downloadable PDFs, “Speak Up: Responding to Everyday Bigotry.” Formerly a book, “Speak Up” is a treasure trove of examples on how to respond to these all-too-familiar situations, from Thanksgiving dinner to the workplace and everywhere in between.

—Difficult conversation

Dear Conversation: Thanks for reporting this. What a great resource.

Dear Readers: On November 10, 2024, I am excited to join psychology researcher Dacher Keltner and creative entrepreneur Mali Bacon in a public conversation about gratitude at the Spirit & Place Festival in Indianapolis. You can find more information at spiritandplace.org. I hope you will join us!

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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