Sometimes the only thing that stands between you and a healthy and happy relationship It’s… you. Getting to know someone and letting your guard down can be amazing, but it’s the same privacy can also freak some people out and send them running for the hills.

Self-sabotage in relationships can manifest itself in different ways. But at its core, it includes “thoughts and behaviors that ruin your chances of making a real connection, in an effort to protect yourself,” says Idit Sharonicouples therapist and facilitator Simple relationships podcast. In other words, it’s the assumption that “if I break up with them first, I won’t be hurt.” Or “because it seems “too good to be true,” something bad is bound to happen. »

You may be wondering why would anyone intentionally ruin a good thing? Well, loving someone makes you extremely vulnerable — and sometimes, pushing away the person who holds so much power over your heart can be a strategy to stay emotionally safe. “This instinct, which is often unintentional, can come from the past traumafear of abandonment or insecurity about not “deserving” healthy love,” Sharoni explains. However, in the long run, running away before you get too attached won’t protect you: it will only rob you of the joy that comes from an authentic, loving experience.

If these self-destructive patterns seem all too familiar to you, you first need to spot when you fall into them. Below, therapists share the biggest (and sneakiest) signs of self-sabotage in relationships to watch for, so you can stop holding yourself back from the love you deserve.

1. You set unrealistic expectations for your partner

It’s one thing to know what you want. Maybe your “dream” partner has a stable job that they like or shares the same political opinions as you. But it’s another thing to set standards so unattainable that no one will ever be able to meet them, Sharoni says.

Always raise the bar Also high (and then using it as an excuse to walk away) can be a form of self-sabotage since you’re setting your partner (and yourself) up for failure. This can look like not committing to someone you really like unless they have the exact same hobbies and life goals as you. Or convince yourself that because they weren’t available to hang onceThis is your cue to end things. Even if the person doesn’t have one red flags or dealbreakers, you might start looking for something “wrong” with them.

2. You pick big fights over smaller issues

It’s normal to be annoyed by the little things your partner does or doesn’t do, like hogging the covers at night or forgetting to take out the trash. But if you constantly exaggerate relatively small problems, it could be a sneaky sign of self-sabotage, says Angela Sitkapsychotherapist.

For example, maybe you’ll go on a tirade about how “lazy” and “incompetent” they are for not emptying the trash, instead of just reminding them. Or maybe they were five minutes late for dinner because of traffic, and you wonder for the next hour how they Never take the relationship seriously.