Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Do you have a question about care and feeding? Submit it here.

Dear care and feeding,

I moved to my husband’s country 11 years ago. We are doing pretty well and are very happy, with a house, a cat and two children. However, my mother became increasingly bitter and resentful. She has been retired for seven years and receives a reasonable pension. She now owns her 4-bedroom home after decades of paying off her mortgage. I know she doesn’t have any other assets or much savings, but I still think she’s pretty privileged, and she managed to get there on her own, so she should be proud.

Yet she constantly complains about being poor, about not having money for vacations or to buy a new car, and above all: she says she can’t afford to visit me and my family. And yet, she recently invested in an air conditioning system for her bedroom which cost her 2,000 euros. (It is very rare to have air conditioning in her country.) She pays several hundred euros to a gardener to maintain her garden. She buys things for my kids that I never asked for (like a crib and a crib – I refused both when she asked if I wanted them, but she bought them anyway, then made passive-aggressive comments about wasting money). But for some reason, spending a few hundred euros on a trip to visit us is completely unthinkable.

I live 3 hours by train, and yes, I am very conscious of the cost of the trip because I have been doing it several times a year for 11 years. She could sleep at our house. I even offered to buy her a gift card for the train trip but she refused. Hell, I’d even pay for her hotel if she’d let me, but she has a ridiculous sense of pride. I would much rather pay for his entire trip than drag my two young children to another country several times a year.

This is not new. The first time she saw my house was on my wedding day, seven years after I moved. The responsibility has always been on me, and obviously it’s never enough: “I never see the children”, “We never stay long enough”, etc. I plan to go home in the new year to visit my grandmother, aunt and friends, but I’ll probably just book a hotel and let her know we’ll be there. I’m just very confused and fed up with his guilt trips and constant victimization. I love her and miss her, but I also want her out of my life. Should I go no contact for a while?

– It’s not about the money, is it

Dear, it’s not about,

No, it’s not about the money, but I would also venture to assume that it’s not about you. It’s about her and her hang-ups, her comfort in her own space, a life spent scraping together enough resources to pay her mortgage, and a sense of precarity even in her relatively comfortable retirement. That doesn’t necessarily make his attitude any less hurtful, but I don’t think his strangeness is any sort of judgment on your life in your country, your husband, or your children.

Despite the current popularity of “no contact” with parentsI’m not a fan of this tactic except in the most dire circumstances. I don’t think a general philosophy like this really fits most adults’ complicated relationships with their parents, which are usually a mix of love, resentment, and worry. Given how much you miss her, I don’t think a “no contact” declaration is likely to make you happy.

What you need is a limited but easy period of contact, and it sounds like you have a plan for that. Take your trip across the Channel! Let her know well in advance, see who you want to see and spend an afternoon at her place. If she tries to make you feel guilty about the length of your stay, tell her that this trip was all you could afford. And repeat, kindly but firmly: “Mom, we will accommodate you at any time and I will be happy to help you pay the costs.” » Don’t get drawn into an argument about how much money she actually has. No matter how much you want to, don’t ask her how much she uses her air conditioning. Stay pleasant, focus on providing a good experience for your children, and do your best to enjoy your time with him.

And after? Talk to him on the phone from time to time. Each time you do this, repeat the same message: “Mom, we will accommodate you anytime and I will be happy to help you with expenses.” » She may or may not accept your offer. Remember that it depends on her and her neuroses: you can’t control anything.

Dear care and feeding,

My partner and I have friends we met while both families were pregnant. Our 3 year olds are best friends, or at least everything that sounds like in toddlers. However, this other couple broke up about a year ago, and thank goodness for that: there was so much tension between them that it was difficult to be with them.

Things are a little easier now and we really like one of the parents, “Robin”. My partner and I consider Robin our best parenting friend. But the other parent, “Sammy”, is difficult to be around. Sammy constantly compares our children by belittling their child (in front of the children!), tells people (again, in front of both children) that their child “doesn’t understand anything” because he is autistic and demands that his child be in his arms. or kiss mine even when my child cringes or shakes his head. I know I need to talk to them but they don’t take feedback well. Sammy even teaches workshops on consent for their work!

Robin and Sammy are co-parents and live just a few blocks from each other. I don’t know how to maintain a relationship with Robin and their child without Sammy being there at least half the time. How can I change this dynamic? Our children’s friendship is so important to me.

–Toddler friendships always come with baggage

Dear luggage,

Wait, so Robin and Sammy are broken up, and you’re trying to figure out how to spend time with Robin and not Sammy? I don’t know if I’ve ever been faced with a simpler question. Just text Robin when you want to do something! Don’t text Sammy. Schedule dates with Robin and don’t schedule dates with Sammy. It certainly doesn’t seem like Robin wants to date Sammy! So why should you do it?

Sure, you’ll have occasional encounters on the playground or otherwise. Be polite but distant. Tell Sammy in very clear language that he needs to stop forcing his child to hug yours. If they don’t “take feedback well,” great, you have another reason to avoid that person.

Dear care and feeding,

My husband and I were at our wits’ end with our children. Our boys, aged 11 and 9, have just started fighting like cats and dogs. They don’t listen to anything we say. On the way to their grandparents’ house, the children spent the first hour hitting, kicking and crying in the back seat. At one point, one of them kicked my husband’s arm. We were on a two-lane highway and our car veered into the opposite lane. Luckily there were no cars very close to us, but we could have easily had a head-on collision at 60 mph.

My husband, who is usually a calm parent, stopped and started yelling at the kids. I know it’s not great, but I probably would have done it if he hadn’t. He yelled at the boys that what they did could have killed everyone in the car, or it could have killed us and left them orphans. He shouted that he would no longer tolerate their bad behavior.

The boys were clearly shocked and started crying. They spent a large part of the weekend alongside their grandmother. It’s been a few weeks and the boys’ behavior is much better, but they are very moody. From my boys’ comments, I think they are preoccupied with death and worried about causing someone’s death. I’m now really afraid that this has become one of those pivotal moments in boys’ lives that changes their personality. That they’re going to spend the rest of their lives worrying about death and dying. What should we do?

–Have we broken our sons?

Dear Pause,

I have great news for you: you haven’t broken your wires. No, yelling at your kids isn’t the ideal parenting technique, but in this case it was completely understandable, totally justified, and, frankly, it seems to have worked. This doesn’t mean that yelling at them should be your default mode of communication from now on. Of course, in general you want to stay calm and treat your children with peaceful respect.

But don’t worry. Your close escape and your husband’s one outburst didn’t turn your kids into goths. They will meditate on this experience a little longer, then file it away. I would say that is the case GOOD that they will remember being yelled at and how angry and scared you both were at that moment. Their misbehavior crossed the line and there were unpleasant consequences that made them unhappy. It’s as much a part of parenting as anything else.

—Dan