DEAR ABBY: I am a 37-year-old woman who seems to be the go-to person in my family for figuring things out. Since my mother-in-law didn’t feel confident enough with her English and I was trying so hard to gain her approval, I made sure to take care of the things she couldn’t do from a young age . The problem is, although I used to pride myself on my ability to always figure things out, I don’t feel that way anymore.

There are five siblings in total. We are all adults now, but my mother-in-law seems to only come to me to solve all her problems. If someone offers to help her, she’ll say something like, “That’s great, but I’ll ask your sister instead.” » I understand that maybe it’s my fault because of my incessant need to please him.

Lately, however, I’ve found it increasingly difficult to feel used, as if my worth only depends on what I can do for her. Is there a way to change his expectations without having to tell him directly how I feel? — TOO USEFUL IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SO HELPFUL: You may find it easier to start out being less available when your mother-in-law has a “sweetheart.” She may be shocked and not like it, so be prepared when you tell her to ask one of your siblings. The alternative is to be completely honest with her about your feelings, including the fact that you feel she likes you only because of what she thinks you can do for her.

Being the only “adult” in the family is a terrible burden to place on a child, which seems to be what happened to you. I knew someone like that. Like you, he was designated to solve the family’s problems. Unfortunately, no one was grateful for his efforts. Instead, they not only took advantage of him, but also resented him.

Put an end to this scenario before you start seriously hating your “helpless” mother-in-law.