It is One thinga column with advice for living.

The morning before my daughter was discharged from the hospital to recover from scoliosis surgery, a heat wave hit. Like most homes in Seattle, ours does not have central air conditioning. In the past, we made do with fans and ice water. But this time, my child would be stuck, resting, sweating — and hopefully healing — in 100-plus degree heat. I gave up a handful of work meetings to join the crowds of people looking for self-contained air conditioning units.

When my boss called me to check in and relay what actions to take, I shared my situation.

“Thank you for being a great mom,” she said, “and taking care of your to-do list ASAP!”

When I hung up, I felt unsettled. My boss knew nothing about my parenting skills. His cliche compliment didn’t exactly sound grateful. It was like she was checking a box in a hurry.

As a clinical speech-language pathologist, my job is to teach children and adults how to talk about their feelings without making people upset. Gratitude, like frustration, jealousy or desire, is an emotion. When directing an emotion toward someone else, it is important to do so carefully and sincerely. The key to expressing gratitude is to be objective and specific. It’s as simple as using an “I” statement plus an emotional word, plus something they actually said or did.

For example:

I loved that you made coffee this morning!

Thank you for explaining the next step in our project!

You can also use more general expressions such as: I like the way you say that! Or: Thank you for your efforts.

This approach directs gratitude toward the other person, rather than centering an imagined story about their experience through an ill-fitting or overly general compliment. When we tell a child they’ve done an “amazing job” and leave it at that, it can feel like we’re not really paying attention. When we tell a sick friend that they are “so brave,” it can prevent them from expressing that they are afraid, lonely, or anything else.

Instead, try to be specific: Imagine telling a child, “I admire that you were able to hit the high notes in the school musical.” They will be able to be proud of their specific skills. Imagine visiting a friend in the hospital and saying, “I love that you’re spending time with me today. » The compliment is a gift, rather than a prescription for how you think they should handle things.

To be specific with praise – or any other emotion – you need to know how you really feel and be willing to share it. If my boss had told the truth, she might have said, “I’m looking forward to accomplishing these important things, but I feel guilty for pressuring you when you’re caring for your child.” If she really wanted to compliment me, she could have waited until I finished her list and then said, “Thank you for taking the time to do that.”

Expressing genuine gratitude to each other is one of those things that we might think comes naturally, but it may take more practice than expected. Here’s a simple exercise that can help you and your loved ones move beyond clichés and connect on a deeper level: For Thanksgiving, go around the table and ask everyone to list five things. they I want to be appreciated for. Listen with curiosity and joy to what everyone says. Then, return around the table and repeat everyone’s wishes, in the first person: “I am grateful to you for preparing this dinner”; “I’m grateful you came here.” You can do this, even if their wishes are absurd or minimal. If they say, “I want you to be grateful that I wake up on time for work,” tell them that you are grateful that they wake up on time for work.

When the ultimate goal is to let our friends and family know that we value them, this type of vulnerable communication can be a portal to connection. This can help you understand the people you love better and feel understood. yourself.

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